2006 in Review

It's been another big one ... but maybe they're all this way?

Professional:

Two more semesters of undergrad work at Lehigh are done. The degrees I am now officially working to complete include a BS in Mechanical Engineering, a BS in Integrated Business Engineering, and a minor in Aerospace Engineering. If everything stays on track, these will be done by Spring 2008 ... after that, either the working world or graduate school. Grad school, either for a Master's in some field of engineering (what?) or an MBA.

I finished my first real summer of interning at Lockheed Martin. The work was ridiculously easy, and I learned very little in terms of applicable or transferable technical skills. I did, however, receive that critical first working position, bolster the resume, and make enough money to purchase a used car, a new trombone, car insurance, and pay off about a semester of loans. This summer the pay promises to be even better- with the trombone and car out of the way, maybe I can pay off two or three more semesters of loans?

Most importantly, perhaps, I also learned what I did not want to do:

1. Be a cog in a company that was too big to appreciate even the best, most talented low-level employees.
2. Sell myself to a stable, well-paying job with no sense of satisfaction.
3. Become trapped in such a job after other life factors (marriage, children) make it impossible to leave.
4. Work in the defense or military industries. I cannot in good conscience design things that will be used for destructive ends, nor work for a company which sells those things to a reckless government. Imagine designing a missile, only to learn that it landed in some poor guy's backyard in some desert somewhere halfway around the world. That precious missile, that technological marvel, then burst into a chaotic inferno and destroyed that man and his entire family in the blink of an eye. No thanks, not for me. Isn't there a new, longer-lasting light bulb to be invented somewhere?

Extra-curriculars:

Not much new here. Musically, my chops have healed, I've enlisted in the brass choir again on euphonium, and I've decided to do the teaching gig. This fall really helped me to re-discover my love of music, but I've already discussed that here ad nauseum.

I finally found the proper balance in terms of Gryphoning. Trembley Park is the perfect location for me ... the work, being mostly administrative, is exactly suited to my strengths. I'd like to think I could do the more hands-on work of the position (mediation, counseling, advising, etc.), but in upper-class housing it's usually just not necessary. Planning, organizing, and handling paperwork are considerably easier in almost all respects.

I took an officer position in NSCS starting this past fall. It's been a very educational experience, seeing the workings of an independent student organization from the inside. As always, I'd like to think I could help or contribute more than I do- maybe in the coming semester, now that I've got a bead on my role and how everything operates in general?


Mm, it's getting late ... this entry is thus to be completed in the future.

Before I forget, by the way, if you haven't heard the score to Spring Awakening, it may be one of the most beautiful collections of music I've ever heard. Listen to it if you have any desire to be moved.

Never Enough

The following is a quote from something- I don't know what- but it's a favorite of one of my best friends from home, and I doubt she'd mind if I borrowed it:

"No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, 'How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?'"

It's an interesting way to see things ... the idea that we are always wanting more. I personally come into contact with this problem every day. Either I want something to be more fulfilling, or I want it to last longer. The topics that this pertains to can range from the mundane (my burger at lunch sucked) to the pragmatic (I'm glad I got an 82, but I would have liked a 92) to the emotional (why was everyone so down at dinner tonight?). No matter what events unfold in any given part of a day, it just seems like either 1) the situation itself doesn't live up to my expectations of it or 2) I don't live up to the performance I expected of myself.

It's probably safe to say that this way of seeing things, however pessimistic it might seem, is likely based in my own senses of perfectionism and selfishness. The perfectionism one is easy enough to apply; I want myself to be perfect, and I tend to hold everyone else to the same standard. I am, though, far more likely to forgive others than myself, and far more quickly too, when whatever "perfect" plans I had don't come to fruition. The selfishness is also simple enough to connect ... since the majority of my thinking is ego-centric, of course I want to maximize my own sense of satisfaction regardless of the events at hand.

Usually this lack of fulfillment isn't really a problem. I go about my day, and to be honest I never have anything to complain about at all. What's the worst thing that happened to me this fall that wasn't my own fault- the systems professor losing a homework that I did and never giving me credit?

Yet, by the end of every semester, I find myself facing apathy and a sense of longing that applies to just about everything. Any good grades I get don't matter or excite me. Performing only leads me to pick out the various flaws or mistakes I make in any given show. Even seeing my friends- the one thing that really makes me happy by this point- never leaves me truly happy because we always have to part ways. As I write this, I actually lament having had to say goodnight to two different groups of friends this evening, because when I'm with them and can make them laugh ... I'm happy.

Side note- maybe this "never good enough" mentality was a factor in the ending of my last few relationships, as well as a contributor to the fact that I can't figure out where to begin starting a new one? Maybe my selfish need for personal fulfillment means that I'm missing out on the big picture of romance, and how to really find happiness with someone else? Am I so focused on finding an immediate, all-encompassing connection with someone that I'm unwilling to try and create one over time? Are all these rhetorical questions coming off as annoying, rather than as effective literary risks to be taken in an informal work of reflection?

Anyway ... the solution, as I see it, was actually something I heard from a Denis Leary stand-up performance. His message was simple- life will never be enough. People have become so sold on the idea that perfection exists that nothing will ever be enough to content them anymore. Supposedly it's possible to live the perfect life, have the perfect job, raise the perfect family, and experience nothing but happiness. But it really isn't. And even when stuff doesn't suck, that doesn't mean you'll be absolutely enraptured, either. The trick to finding happiness, then, is not to go searching for the holy grail that will deliver you all that you desire. There is no one thing that can give you all that you need and satisfy you forever. Taking joy in the little things, the minor parts of your day, is what life is about. The vast majority of us don't have much more to rely on, anyway, so it's in our own best interest to choose our attitude and face each day with optimism, responsibility, practicality, and drive.

Happiness isn't a single event, person, or thing ... it's the chocolate chip cookie you eat on the way out of the dining hall. It's the B you get when you thought failure was imminent. It's seeing your friends when you can, laughing with them when you can, and supporting them when you can. It's catching your favorite show that one time per week that it's on. It's that one run-through of a piece in the practice room when everything finally clicks. And, in five days, it's going home to the family you haven't been able to see in four months.

Take joy in all that you do ... because moments of pure happiness only come a few times in your life. Everything else on the way is what matters. Make it count.

All at Once

I'm a ridiculously lucky guy with an unusually great life.

This week's awesomeness:

-got a 92 on the last finance midterm- that means no final
-Vespers performance overall and specifically the solo both went well
-IBE presentation is done, went fairly well
-laid back finals week with excellent spacing of exams
-got a summer offer from Lockheed Martin yesterday
-got a summer offer from Air Products today

Stuff left to do:

-systems exam (Thursday 8 AM)
-ECE exam (Saturday 4 PM)
-Fluids exam (Tuesday, 8 AM)
-Law exam (Wednesday, 12 PM)
-help with closing down Trembley
-buy a $10 gift for the yearly "Walsh Family Inappropriate Gift Exchange Catastrophe" (easily one of the best holiday traditions of all time, bar none)
-IBE paper
-apply to Disney and maybe one more company for the summer
-see Uncle Tim sing on Christmas Eve and enjoy a month at home with the family


I don't know what I did to deserve a life that's as amazing as mine is, but I also know better than to ask questions of something so good. Maybe in a past life I saved a busload of orphans, puppies, and nuns from plunging over a cliff?

Happy exam week.

A Moment

The other day I was walking behind a girl on the way from Packard to Rauch- I was about ten feet or so back, and it ended up that we were going the same place. The result of this positioning was that when her phone rang, I got to hear pretty much the entirety of her conversation en route to our destination.

I normally wouldn't have tried to listen in on what she was saying ... she wasn't going out of her way to be overly loud or attract a lot of attention. It was what she said that really piqued my interest and had me casually evesdropping all the way to finance. The first two words were what really got me:

"Hi, Handsome."

She said those two little words with such sincerity and obvious feeling that, without knowing anything about her or the person on the other end of the phone, you knew she was in love. There was that lilting, that lift, that vague innuendo to her voice that belied not only the meaning of what she said but also the sincerity behind that meaning. I was glancing off in another direction when I first heard her speak up, but I could tell immediately that she was also smiling ... you can't say something like that, with that kind of emotion behind it, without smiling.

The conversation wasn't deep or philosophical or melodramatic in any way. She was just calling her significant other to ask how his morning had gone and see if he wanted to see her that night- nothing more. Brief but friendly responses were all that was shared between them for two or three minutes until finally she said, "Well enjoy your afternoon ... I can't wait to see you. Love you too. Bye."

I have a hunch that, even though her back was to me, she was smiling the whole rest of the way to Rauch.

There was a lot of crap running through my head the day that I saw this. My presentation, my last finance midterm grade, the systems project, the IBE paper, playing for Vespers- the list goes on. Not to say that I wasn't happy or that I was overly stressed, just that my mind was fully occupied (and running on less than an optimal amount of sleep). But hearing that conversation, seeing that connection for just a few minutes in time, and really witnessing just pure contentment, excitement, and happiness between two people ... it was beautiful.

Anyway, here's to yet another quick reminder that sometimes all that other stuff might not be so important, after all.

And ... here's to love.


For now, I'm off to Christmas Vespers. Wish me luck.

Decisions

In a rare move for me, I've actually made several decisions in the last couple weeks that will affect my scheduling for the rest of my time at Lehigh. None of them were particularly difficult, and they all had to do with extra-curricular activities and stuff along those lines, but I'm still happy with the fact that I've put thought into something and actually come to a conclusion. My usual response to a decision is typically to put it off until the last minute (such as applying to Lehigh ... in May) and let things take as natural of a course as possible. That system isn't without its faults, but so far it hasn't done me wrong. I ended up at a college I love in a very strong program, surrounded by friends and partipating in activities I enjoy. There's little else I could possibly ask for from life, as usual.

The decisions I've made are three-fold. As I considered them, they seemed mutually exclusive and thus forced me to decide between one of two ways to go in terms of spending my time during the next three semesters.

My first option, although it was pretty far-fetched, was to apply for a Head Gryphon position for senior year. For obvious and not-so-obvious reasons alike, this is clearly not the right choice for me or (more importantly) for whatever staff and residents I may be put in charge of. All that is, of course, assuming I would even get selected if I did apply (an outcome which is considerably unlikely). Putting that doubt aside, I did discuss the idea with current HG's and weigh what the extra work and extra benefits would mean. The extra work would mean significantly more time being spent on gryphoning than I ever have, being in charge of entire buildings and a staff, and generally taking it upon myself to really devote myself to this job. Not that I'm not already devoted, but the extra time and effort would be sizable. In terms of benefits, I'd be able to extend myself into the Lehigh administration more, do more work for the campus and its students, and contribute more to the University as a whole. I'd also be paid more and be able to put "Head Gryphon" on my resume.

My decision came down to simple time and priorities ... my academic work and other extra-curriculars seem to be well balanced with regular gryphoning right here in Trembley. Going into senior year and hoping to continue doing well, it'd be best for everyone involved if I remained in a capacity where I could work as a Gryphon but still maintain most of my time for classes and other organizations. No Head Gryphoning for me.

The path I've decided to follow, and the choice about which I'm happier, is to devote more time to musical endeavors starting in the Spring. With my chops finally healed to a level where I can play well and often (although drum corps is out of the question), it's almost as though I re-discovered how much I truly love music this semester. After all the emotional stuff that happened in the first half of this Fall and how shaken up I was, practicing and performing were always what calmed me down and helped bring focus back into my day. Playing trombone and making music alongside friends has been one of the passions of my life for more than a decade now; I honestly can't imagine the day when I'll have to put the horn down for good. I love it, pure and simple.

To go through with this decision to spend more time on music, I've therefore chosen to take up two new pursuits starting next semester. First off, if I receive a bid again this year, I'm going to accept it for Kappa Kappa Psi (national band fraternity). By this point I basically know every active member of the Lehigh Chapter, they do a lot for the music program, and the organization would allow me to give back to Lehigh in a way I haven't before. What's even better is that they seem to have a good amount of fun doing it, too. We'll see when bids come out what happens, but for now I'm optimistic.

The other decision for music involves something I've wanted to do ever since I left The Cadets. In the last year and a half I've had this hankering to be able to take what I've learned about music in the last ten years and actually share it with someone else- to give lessons or teach in whatever capacity I could. Up till now I've declined volunteer teaching offers on the basis of lack of time ... but enough of that. My Fridays in the Spring are almost completely open (one class 8-9 AM), so that's not even an excuse anymore. Starting in January or February, then, I'm hoping to take a friend up on an offer to give volunteer lessons at a local middle school. I really have no idea what I'll be in for (I've never taught anyone outside of correcting a wrong note from the guy sitting next to me), but it's the best chance I have right now to feel out the water on the whole idea. Who knows- I might just sell some middle school brass players on drum corps.

So that's how it's going to go from here on out ... schoolwork, regular gryphoning, wind ensemble, teaching, being an officer with NSCS, and taking part in an assortment of other organizations to fill out my schedule.

Nice.

Last Monday

It's the last Monday of the semester. I'm currently getting ready for an IBE group meeting, after which I'm going to study for the ME 21 Lab Final. Supposedly it's pretty easy (and I'm hoping most of the class just blows it off), but laziness is no reason to botch a final and end up with a B- in a 1-credit lab. Ignorance and apathy, sure, but not laziness.

By the way, it's time for a shameless plug ... if you're planning on attending Vespers on Sunday (Dec. 10), listen for the baritone solo at the beginning of the recessional. If it sounds good, that's me, if not- it's someone else.

My feelings have been pretty up and down lately, for reasons that are somewhat easy to pinpoint. One minute I'll be happy-go-lucky, joking, and in a great mood. I'll then hear something, get all sad, and start doubting myself again. It's exceedingly immature and not something I'm proud of- being this moody- but when it comes to certain topics of conversation it seems like I just can't help it. And to make it worse, I'm the one who keeps bringing up this stuff and trying to glean more information out of people to satisfy my own interest. If I were smart, I'd back up, try to put things in a reasonable light, realize the truth, and stop.

Then again, nobody ever said I was smart ... and what's life without something to yearn for, however unlikely?

Just gotta take a deep breath, focus, and get it out of my head for now. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, there's a lab final to slam like a car door, and that's happening tomorrow. Godspeed.



"He only employs his passion who can make no use of his reason."
-M. Cicero

Fuck Owls

I sat down in the 4th floor Packard computer lab an hour ago to do some gryphon work and study for finance. In about twenty minutes I had put together the fliers I needed to do for gryphoning (in Publisher) then quickly ran down each of the 8 pages in question to print then out. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly as the printer began spewing copies ... so I got up and went into the hall to make a phone call.

I returned 15 minutes later to find several irate engineering students standing around the printer and a completely bugged out Publisher program. I looked into the printer output tray to discover what seemed to be an entire ream of paper that had just been used to make fliers for World AIDS Day. "That's funny," I thought. "That's what my fliers look like."

Apparently, when I had selected the number of copies for each page, I had selected "70" instead of "7." The result was that I had requested 560 fliers on AIDS, then locked my screen and left. On the upside I was able to cancel the process about 200 fliers in ... on the downside, I had accidentally left the wrong year at the bottom of every single one. All 200 completed fliers thus made their way into the recycle bin as I fired up Publisher to start another round of printing with another 50+ sheets of paper.

Oh well ... it's not like the Spotted Owl was going to make a comeback anyway, right?


"If you had an ounce of common sense you'd be a danger to this world, Jeremy."
-Mrs. Patricia Underwood, Cherokee HS Latin Teacher

The End Draws Nigh

Break was excellent ... slept, ate, drank, took care of errands, did little else. By last night my hands were actually steady from sleeping 10-12 hours for four nights in a row. Tremendous.

The last two weeks after Thanksgiving are comparatively easy to get through, in my mind. The break is just enough of a re-charge to make it through ten more class days no matter what those days throw at you. It's looking to be a busy week all around ... concerts, projects, homework, applications, and even an exam just for good measure. Compared to most people my week is downright calm, actually, so I'm going take it and run.

Stuff that rocks right now (a lot):

-feel ready for both of tomorrow's rehearsals
-the concert this weekend (Saturday at 8 PM) should be good
-the brass choir conductor may have scored a higher quality baritone for my use at Vespers
-the NSCS advisor just finished my scholarship recommendation, and I only have one question left to answer in the application itself
-ran 2.5 miles in 19 minutes this morning
-our stock price went up $0.01 in the IBE Game (first rise ever)
-have almost the whole night open to get work done
-get to see the M&M staff at their meeting tonight
-got an 80 on the ECE recitation quiz I thought I bombed
-if I can do well on the last Finance midterm on Thursday, I can hopefully skip out of the final
-this weather is freakin sweet

Stuff that doesn't rock right now:

-Professor Perreira may have "lost" the systems project that my partner and I killed ourselves on last week (so that we could hand it in last Tuesday and get full credit)
-Professor Perreira explained the same project today to the whole class ... there's now a strong chance we'll be redoing it by Friday even if he does find it
-Air Products hasn't responded yet (not really an issue, just something I'm anxious to hear about)
-the team's IBE grade is completely in the hands of our seemingly apathetic professor

Stuff I'm pondering right now:

-Where to request to gryphon next year (freshman? upperclassmen again?)
-Should I follow some advice I've received and apply for HG, or would I be kidding myself?
-What to buy Mom for Christmas?
-Where to apply for summer work, aside from Lockheed Martin, Air Products, and Disney? Any suggestions?
-Do I really want to date someone right now, or am I just feeling a little lonely during moments of boredom in between work? And if I want to date someone ... what am I going to do about it?

See what happens? You put a little sleep in me and I become obnoxiously cheerful.

Happy Break and Happy Home Stretch.

McDonald's

8:04 PM
Jeremy's friend calls, suggests that Jeremy could make her dreams come true by stopping at McDonald's and picking up a dollar sundae before visiting her on duty. Jeremy promises to do so.

8:10 PM
Jeremy and his roommate jump in the Mach 5 and head to McDonald's. No issues arise en route.

8:14 PM
Jeremy and his roommate arrive at McDonald's. It is heavily staffed, but the majority of the staff (including the manager) appear to be engrossed in meaningless conversation with one another. There is thus one order-taker and one cook working.

8:16 PM
Jeremy's roommate orders a quarter-pounder with cheese and a dollar sundae. His sundae is delivered immediately.

8:17 PM
Jeremy orders a double cheeseburger and two dollar sundaes.

8:20 PM
Someone in the drive-through line orders no less than five dollar sundaes and nothing else. Ostensibly, this person either has several children in the car, several drunks in the car, or severe diabetic problems. The McDonald's staff is incredulous but obliging, and sets to making the five requested sundaes immediately.

8:23 PM
Just as the fifth and final sundae is finished, the soft-serve machine utters a fatalistic groan and craps out. The McDonald's staff implements their extensive maintenance protocol on the machine in question. Such protocol includes but is not limited to:

-striking the machine with their fists or other blunt objects
-turning the machine on and off over and over again
-addressing the machine as a "fuckin waste of a bitch"
-telling one another to "shut the fuck up cause [they's] all up on that shit"

8:25 PM
Jeremy is informed that his sundaes are now an impossibility. The suggested replacement is a yogurt parfait. Not wishing to return empty-handed, Jeremy grudgingly accepts the yogurt and leaves with his roommate.

8:26 PM
Jeremy calls his friend to inform her of mission failure; her boyfriend picks up. Jeremy explains the situation to him, only to hear back "Yeah, she hates that McDonald's yogurt crap ... but I'll let you tell her what happened. I had nothing to do with this."

8:33 PM
Upon arriving back at his apartment, Jeremy drops his bag of food and both yogurt parfaits pop open, sending their contents throughout the bag and onto Jeremy's desk. When his roommate begins laughing uncontrollably, Jeremy tells him to go blow himself.

8:34 PM
Jeremy realizes with utter conviction that his life is a farce.

O Holy Name

Unlike last year when I watched the 2005 Cadets DVD on a daily/weekly basis, I really haven't found myself pulling it out that often so far this fall. I think about the corps, the memories, and the music every single day, but until tonight it had been about 4-5 months or so since I last sat down and watched it on my own. On a whim (and probably because I didn't want to start my last homework assignment of the evening), I popped the DVD in and awaited the most prepared-for 12 minutes and 30 seconds of my life.

Not surprisingly, I found that I still remembered every drill move, every direction change, every note fingering, and every inappropriate chant from visual rehearsal. Now that it's been so long, I doubt I'll ever really be able to forget all those things, especially since 2005 was my first, last, and only year in DCI. There will never be another drill to replace this one, another summer of memories and new faces to associate with the corps, or another new fish formation to march. Deep down I am very content with that ... to be able to say I marched in one of the greatest executing drum corps in DCI history, with one of the most powerful shows in DCI history. What more could anyone ask for?

Also not surprisingly, by the end of Liquid (the opener) I had tears in my eyes. Recalling the struggles, the days when I almost broke down, and most of all the people of that summer ... I didn't realize how long I had gone without thinking about some of it. The flashback that I always get is the first time I put on the uniform- the Maroon and Gold, complete with gaunlets, crossbelt, muckle, everything except the Dinkles and shako. I had dreamed of putting on that uniform for years, and to finally be standing in it at a Cadets rehearsal, ready to go back into the horn arc and continue playing the corps song ... it was a wish come true. You couldn't have found a happier guy in this hemisphere, that day.

And so the season came and went, and I struggled, and fought, and was injured, and was inspired, and was encouraged, and was rewarded so, so greatly. At the end of the summer, all I wanted to do was go home, to take my gold medal and sleep in my bed with it wrapped around my neck. For months afterwards I was nothing but content to know that my life in drum corps was over. I had very fresh memories of the lack of sleep, the pain of the long rehearsal days, and the discomfort that someone can only experience when they're sitting on blacktop in the Texas sun at noon eating fish sticks and macaroni and cheese made on a truck (and loving it).

Now, with a year and a half gone by ... it's easy to see the choice I then made. Forced to decide between a cushy life at home for 2006, working a dumb internship for fistfuls of cash or another summer of corps, I rationalized. The better choice for my career was the internship so that I could fluff up the resume another notch, make enough money to upgrade my life, and sleep in a bed every night. The notion coincided with the wishes of my family, few of my friends cared one way or the other, and it was obviously the easier option. To make things even simpler, there wasn't even a "right" choice; I could do whatever my heart desired and justify it as I saw fit. I thus turned my back to drum corps.

I bring this up not to lament my decision for Cadets 2006 or 2007 (marching is an impossibility for several reasons), but because the whole idea behind it got me thinking of choices. The problem really is choice, as they say in The Matrix, and it's surprising how often we don't even realize we're making a decision about something. This can be applied to any aspect of life, too. Every single line of reasoning or rationale that a person uses to convince themselves to do something ... it's really just that person making a choice and condoning it in their own mind. "I'm not going to do the homework for tomorrow, but it's Friday and most people won't do it and it's only one so who cares." Such was the choice you made, to do something else besides the homework. Who's to say if you're right or wrong, either. It is what it is.

The difficulty I'm finding, however, is how even significantly larger choices can be passed off with this kind of indifference and simplification. To say to yourself, "I could pursue something, this dream of mine. I could chase it down and fight for it and never let it die." But if that's the harder road, odds are that you'll revert to the familiar and make the safer choice for yourself. Such is especially true if the returns on your dream are in no way guaranteed ... what would happen if you fought for something, only to watch what you wanted pass through your fingers? What would you have sacrificed at that point, all for nothing? Your grades? Your time? Your friends? Then again, what if you reached what you wanted- would it still have been worth it? Would you have bettered your life to make up for the sacrifice in your own eyes?

There's no way of knowing any of this, of course. The only way to figure out the true consequences of a choice is to make it and live it every single day to the best of your ability. In the end, I'm guessing the only people that lose are the ones who choose the safest road each time and forsake that of which they dream. The worst part is that they may not even know they made that safe choice ... they may have told themselves it was just better to stick to the status quo and not put themselves out there. They may have made excuses about how the dream was already out of their reach, or how someone else had already achieved it, or how the sacrifice would have simply been too great. They may have given up even before they began, and let their dream remain just as it was- a passing dream.

And with that, back to work.

Or, as I like to call it, the safe choice.

Musings

It's 7:13 AM ... studied for Systems for about 7 hours so far, with more studying to take place this morning leading into the test. I'm somewhat proud to say that I still have no idea what the heck is going to be on this exam. I'm also proud to say that I seem to be finding an unhealthy amount of satisfaction in the fact that everyone else is equally doomed.

Last night I was walking down to Packard to start studying (around 6:30 PM), and as I crossed the lawn, I couldn't help but look around and take pleasure in the atmosphere of a Sunday night. The campus was basically empty, the sky was that dark pinkish color it gets when it's cloudy but the lights from the city keep it aglow, and there was a cool but not uncomfortable wind blowing. The trees had all but lost the entirety of their leaves, and in the air there was that damp, rainy smell. Even the traffic seemed to have slowed down to almost nothing; the vast majority of Bethlehem was thus still.

It was a nice moment in time to absorb and enjoy ... and for the first time in a while, I wished someone had been there to experience it with me.

It's odd how over time, no matter who you are, there is always oscillation between happiness with what you have and longing for what you don't. One night you'll be hanging with your friends carefree, come home, and nothing will so much as cross your mind about having someone. The next night you'll be alone on an empty campus in a beautiful atmosphere, and suddenly you'll still be feeling content but have a certain sense of loneliness about you.

Interesting ... but not nearly so interesting as LaPlace Transforms (as I have no doubt you'd agree), so for now I think it's time to take a shower, find some caffeine, and study another few hours for this catastrophe. Maybe I can pull the same tricks I did on my AP exams- if only I knew how strongly Professor Perreira felt about dinosaurs fighting a dual ninja/pirate army. It's so hard to tell that kind of thing sometimes.

Slightly Hectic, Always Dramatic

I will write more sometime this week, when there isn't a major assignment and/or exam within the next 24 hours of when I sit down.

Here's a recap of the last 5 days or so (since my pointlessly dramatic week obviously fizzled out):

Tuesday
Finance exam went well- the TA asked me how I got some of my answers, since I used an indirect method. I can't tell if she was entirely impressed when I responded "guess and check," but I came within a few hundredths of the correct responses so I figure I can't lose too many points. Wind Ensemble that night was only an hour ... a huge morale boost for anyone who knows the organization or Professor Diggs. That reminds me that I haven't practiced outside rehearsal more than once in the last two weeks, and I'm very much missing playing on a regular basis. Maybe after tomorrow?

Wednesday
Inconsequential day mired in pointless IBE work and three meetings. The meetings went fairly well and I received only minimal assignments from them, though, so no complaints. Looking back, I probably could have done more studying on this day to prevent the traumatic events of Thursday. I also spent about three hours on Wednesday prepping the first part of the Systems project ... Professor Perreira seemed to like it when he glanced over what I had, so good times.

Thursday
My interview with Air Products took place mid-afternoon. It was a very unusual interview ... once again, the company sent an engineer rather than a Human Resources rep. To my experience, it seems like engineers don't really know how to interview in the conventional sense; everytime one has spoken to me, they'll ask me some general, background-based questions, then talk about the company for about 20 minutes, then shake my hand and I leave. This one was no different, although at the end he did say he thought I'd be a "good fit" and that he'd "recommend me for the next level of the hiring process." Hopefully his rec, my thank-you letter to him, and my resume will be enough to carry the day ... it was just so hard to discern how the thing went.

What made the interview even more exciting was that it was on the hottest day of the fall (temps in the mid to high 60's), we were sitting in the tiniest room in Rauch, the window was closed, the sun was shining in, he was 250+ lbs., and I was wearing my full suit. What ensued was an absolutely disgusting sauna-like environment in which I sweat what seemed to be two or three pounds of my total body weight over the course of the interview. I didn't know whether to wipe my face or let cascades of sweat pour down it as he droned on about his own work at Air Products ... in the end I wiped, but by that point it didn't make much of a difference. My undershirt and dress shirt were completely soaked by the time I got back to the apartment, and I can honestly say I haven't experienced swamp-ass like that since Finals night at the Cadets. So, so gross.

Following the interview I had a gryphon staff meeting, staff dinner, and then studied for a total of about ten hours for the two exams of the next day. ECE studying was 8:30-12:30 AM, Fluids was 1 to 7 AM (with a nap from 3:30 to 5). I felt like a million bucks by the time I was in the shower getting ready for the exams themselves.

Friday
ECE was at 8 AM, and barring any major mistakes or algebraic catastrophes, I think it went pretty well. As always, I'm aiming low and hoping for a 75-80 (with the average being about 60-65). Fluids also went well (arguably better), and I'm hoping for 80-85 on that one. What's funny is that the studying I did for both of them was somewhat unnecessary; everything that appeared on the exams was stuff that I knew fairly well. The rest of the material that I tried to cram into my brain was superfluous ... oh well. Sleep is for the weak.

After that I handed in the Systems project, went to finance recitation, enjoyed chicken finger Friday (some people have church, I have CFF), ran errands for gryphoning, and went to IBE lab. As I walked into IBE, two friends of mine were discussing how tired they were and how they were excited that the week was over. Our professor made some comment about how he never understood why we were so tired, and why we never got any sleep. One friend of mine told him that I had it the worst, since I'd pulled an almost all-nighter and had a bad week. Our professor, apparently in a state of super-grumpy-poopy-pants, looked straight at me and said, "All-nighters are the result of poor planning. If you'd known what you were doing, that wouldn't have been necessary. I didn't pull a single all-nighter in college, not even once."

Thanks, Dr. H. You're a swell guy on Friday afternoons at 2.

IBE lecture notwithstanding, the week then ended swiftly and I was able to enjoy a very relaxing, very fun weekend that I shall cover in a future entry. To say that it was epic is to not do it full justice, as such a description would place it on the same plane as The Iliad or The Aeneid or even Dante's Inferno. Oh no ... this weekend was so much more than that.

As for today, I'm going to grab lunch, do IBE work, make the IBE decision with the group at 2:30, call the rents, and then begin studying for Systems (the last exam of this cycle, happening tomorrow at 11 AM). Once systems is done, all that's left is a week of regular homework before Lehigh/Laf and then Thanksgiving.

I can't tell you how excited I am.

A Week that I'll Make Pointlessly Dramatic, Day 2

Tuesday, 1:44 PM

Status:
Doing Wednesday homework, rehearsal at 6:30.

Tasks:
Class x 2
Finance Exam
Brunch
ME Lab
Homework x 2
Rehearsal
Register for Classes

Health: 75%

Symptoms:
Nausea
Sleepiness
Sore Throat/Cough
Headache

Sleep Total:
12.5 hours

Morale:
Seeking motivation.

Pointlessly Dramatic Music of the Day:
Dancing Mad, Nobuo Uematsu

A Week that I'll Make Pointlessly Dramatic, Day 1

Monday, 9:21 AM

Status:
Studying in Packard for ECE 81 quiz.

Tasks:
Sign up for interview
Class x4
ECE 81 Quiz
Meeting with Advisor
IBE Game Memo/Decision (?)
Read ME 21 Lab Notes
Study for Fin 225 Exam

Health: 85%

Symptoms:
Swollen lymph nodes
Joint aches
Sore Throat

Sleep Total:
5.5 Hours

Morale:
Sufficiently Caffeinated

Pointlessly Dramatic Music of Choice:
Mars, Bringer of War (Holst)

Shaky Hands

Earlier this week I shared a phone call with a friend of mine from years ago. She's a junior currently attending U-Maryland as a Mech-E. We haven't seen one another in person since we last worked together at the Philly Naval Base (Summer 2003), but we've been in contact via e-mail for the last three years. It's always nice to have a conversation with her, catch up, and share our similar woes on topics such as thermodynamics, fluids, and relative mechanics ... yes, we really are that cool.

During our conversation this time, though, she eventually brought up the topic of stress and the different feelings she seems to be experiencing this year as an engineering student. She said that while stress has always been there and sleep has always been wanting, there's just something about junior year that has been pushing her closer to the edge. We both then mentioned various situations we knew in which individuals had finally succumbed to the emotional instability that seems so prevalent in college. Trapped under the crushing fears of finding a career, getting grades, and fighting the pressure to achieve, these students had snapped, freaked out, and most of them had been sent home. Some returned; most did not.

In discussing our own symptoms related to anxiety, she and I even tallied up the following list (emphasizing the fact that each of them seems to be getting worse as time passes):

-blurred vision
-headaches
-stomach aches
-inability to focus
-narcolepsy (mostly in class)
-shaking

It was, in the end, a very intriguing conversation, and I enjoyed the chance to talk about this sort of thing with someone who seems to understand it so well. Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so nervous all the time, why I can't seem to feel good without social validation, and why I've been basing so much of my happiness of various sources outside myself. The conclusion my friend and I came to, eventually, was that someone long ago must have told us that we were smart. Some teacher, or parent, or fellow student must have mentioned how well we'd done on a test or assignment, and we'd been delighted. With so much emphasis on school during our childhood, it was only natural that our reaction would have then been to continue our academic success as long as possible. After all, when we brought home good grades, mom and dad were happy. Our teachers were happy. Our classmates respected us. Who could have blamed us for not wanting it to end?

Somewhere along the line, we became so enamoured with this idea of being the "good student" that we ourselves came to value it more than anyone else actually did. We became obsessed with it, and in the process being the most successful member of our class became our identity. I, for example, was no longer Jeremy Walsh ... I was Jeremy Walsh, the "smart kid." There was no point to being just myself anymore- some regular little boy who liked video games and baseball and playing in the pool with maybe a bit of talent in the classroom. There was no reason to continue with that, because everyone was like that and it didn't merit any extra attention. I wasn't very good at sports or music, the other main outlets in which a kid could distinguish themselves, so being academically astute was my way of defining myself. All that probably happened in elementary school.

The same system continued is middle and high school, during which time I actually hit my peak nerdiness (you think I'm a nerd now, you should have seen me at 13). I branched out to music in high school, discovering that practicing two hours a night can earn you a spot in the jazz band, the all-state band, and even the all-eastern band if you prepare well enough. The main theme of my motivation was still there, however ... to be the best. Making the transition to college almost pushed me too far, as my friends and family from the time can tell you, because it meant I was going to have a chance to redefine myself. And in that redefinition process, I might no longer be able to be the "smart kid;" who knew what challenges college academics could present to me. If I couldn't hack it, what would I be? Another guy who likes video games, drum corps, and girls (thank God girls replaced baseball)? What consequences would there be? That's what everyone else was ... what was I?

And here we are, my friend and I, three years later ... and somewhere along all that way, we think we've missed something. We'd been so bent on being the best, identifying ourselves in that way, that the truth of the matter has finally arrived and we now have nowhere to hide. Because "the best" is something that can determine some small fraction of "what" you are, but "who" you are ... that's something else entirely. "Who" you are is whether or not you're kind, or giving, or open, or honest, or helpful. It's what you do that defines who you are, not the other way around. All those smart kids who would have lived or died by a test score when they were 9 years old- "who" we are now is just a bunch of cowards. Afraid to disappoint, afraid to fail, afraid to be rejected, and afraid to face the truth. Afraid to realize that we're just as clueless as everyone else.

So I guess that's why our anxiety is getting worse. The time has finally come to begin facing up to real life and adulthood, and we don't know who we are or what we want. Every assignment and exam just brings us one step closer to leaving Lehigh and facing the world. Yet we still desperately cling to the idea that we've been doing it right all along, that our stellar GPA is the answer, that being the best is what life is all about. Because that's who we are ... the "best."

My friend and I agreed on a couple final points before we ended our chat. That being the best and succeeding do have a place in living, just not in being a total definition of a person. That the real sources of happiness in life are the people around you, and the things you do for them. And that maybe our hands would stop shaking so violently if we got a consistent amount of sleep.

Have a good night, everybody.

Little Appreciation Week

Sometime in the last couple years, the LU Gryphon Society decided to establish a Gryphon Big/Little system to foster friendship and mentoring between rookies and returners. For the most part the system is either ignored or the Big and Little pair are already friends, so I'm not sure how successful it really is. I mean, some gryphons probably start new friendships and whatnot with people they otherwise wouldn't meet, but that scenario most likely represents 2% of all cases.

Failed overall purpose notwithstanding, I'm actually lucky enough to have somehow generated a Big/Little family tree in only about a year's time. I have my Big, my foster Big, my cousin, and a Little of my own (who, ironically, is a 23-year-old grad student). Since I'm already friends with everyone in question, the system is fairly inconsequential except for two specific times in the semester: Big Appreciation Week, and Little Appreciation Week.

Last year for the fall and spring Big Weeks, I either decorated my Big's door or bought her a respectable pile of Easter candy. In turn, she took me out to dinner and offered me advice on the engineering-related catastrophes I'm so fond of creating. This year I'd like to think I've outdone myself by going one step further and not doing something generic, but rather targeting my gift specifically toward his likes and hobbies. I'll do the same for Big Week, of course, but right now I'm just proud of what I've accomplished so far.

See if you can guess what my Little's hobbies include, based upon the following items I purchased:

1. Entenmann's Chocolate Chip Cookies
2. "Focus" Energy Drink
3. A Pack of Tissues
4. Hand Lotion
5. The Latest Issue of Stuff Magazine





... if you guessed hang-gliding, you are incorrect.

Happy Little Appreciation Week, Chris.

Jeremy Discovers Makeshift Wishing Well, Loses Dignity

On a recent trip to Muhlenberg College, I and a friend of mine joined my brother for the Parents' Weekend breakfast in honor of the MC class of 2010. It was a very nice affair, on the whole, and we all had a great time. What transpired following the actual meal, however, constitutes one of the most embarrassing bathroom experiences I've ever had or will probably ever have again.

To truly understand the gravity of what I did in the bathroom and what happened afterwards, I feel I must make sure everyone understands one of the Cardinal Laws of Manhood. That Law, in somewhat abbreviated form, states that no conversation or unnecessary noise-making shall take place in a Men's Restroom for any reason barring natural disaster or an Act of God. And even if God shows up, it's probably in your best interest to stay quiet anyway ... arriving at the Rapture with your pants down is going to be humiliating enough without you trying to explain yourself.

It is with this Law in mind that I thus entered the restroom that morning. Although it was basically full, I found an open stall and proceeded to take care of business without incident. Several minutes later, as I stood up with the goal of returning to my regular life, I suddenly and inexplicably felt something fall out of my jacket pocket, only to hear a quiet series of splashes several seconds later.

Only rarely have I experienced fear akin to that which coursed through me upon making the following realization: some objects of mine had departed my person and fallen directly into the toilet. What was truly shocking was that I did not know the nature of those objects, but merely the possibilities of what they could be. I ran a brief mental inventory at that moment and remembered placing the following items into my pockets that morning:

-my keys
-my cell phone
-my glasses
-some gum
-some change
-a pen

The situation had turned dire. Any one of those objects or some combination thereof could now be floating in Muhlenberg's public cauldron of disease and pestilence. I hesitated to turn around as frightening thoughts cascaded through my head ... what if, for example, it had been my keys? Was I going to have to wash them in the sink? My glasses- how could I possibly wear them again? And the worse thought- if the object was important, how the hell was I going to retrieve it without catching the Plague and/or wanting to kill myself?

Ever so slowly I thus turned around, lowered my eyes, and gazed into the bowl. My heart leapt and I actually elicited a loud cheer as I discovered nothing so important as $0.78 floating before me. Primarily composed of nickels and dimes, the change was actually arrayed in a dazzling fashion that made the toilet itself seem not so unlike a public fountain in Rome, or an enchanted wishing well. If only the basin in question wasn't designed for the disposal of human waste, I might have found the whole situation fairly poetic.

It was then that I made my most egregious error in the whole ordeal. Rather than make a quick getaway and allow the next unfortunate patron of the restroom to find my freshly dropped treasure trove, I decided to instead flush the toilet and destroy the evidence. What ensued was a metallic cacophony as 12-15 coins bounced around the inside of a porcelain bowl, driven by the flow of the flushing itself. Given the nature of the restroom's acoustics, I don't doubt that the thing could probably have been heard by everyone there as well as anyone within 20-30 feet of the bathroom's main door.

Sometimes it's embarrassing enough walking out of a bathroom stall, for whatever personal reason you might have. Walking out of the stall after just convincing the rest of the bathroom that I eat United States Coinage was a different feeling entirely. On the one hand, I was somewhat proud of my clumsy accomplishment and the reaction it elicited. On the other hand, I had offended the Bathroom Law and disturbed a great many men in their search for relief. I hurriedly washed my hands and ran into the hallway, promising myself I'd never again use the bathroom at Muhlenberg College.

I rejoined my brother a minute later. When he asked what took so long, I told him the story ... to which he responded by doubling over and laughing hysterically for a solid three minutes.

On the plus side, that $0.78 constitutes the one and only payment I'll be making toward my brother's college tuition. The Muhlenberg Financial Aid Office can feel free to retrieve it from the Allentown Sewer System any time they'd like.

Happy Halloween

This past summer, amidst all the changes that took place then, I promised I'd eventually create one of these things and post it publicly. My purpose in doing so was to open up to others in some small way- not just about my everyday frustrations and joys (which I broadcast constantly whether you like it or not), but about deeper things. Things including my fears, wants, desires, goals, amibitions ... basically all the stuff that I rarely if ever discuss with anyone.

I've been told that my perfectionism and self-doubt keep me from letting anyone else really know me as more than a casual friend. Of course there are a couple exceptions, but in general I find that to be pretty true. It actually made me wonder when the last time was that I sat down with someone, looked them in the eye, and told them exactly how I was feeling. The problem is not that I don't have people who care for me, I think- it's that I don't trust them or myself enough to open up. After all, telling others about your fears and wants means that you have to admit them to yourself in the process ... and who wants to do that?

Thus, I submit to you this blog.

In addition to my primary, seemingly Emo intent in writing this, I will also include the absolutely ridiculous events that seem to unfold regularly throughout the course of my day-to-day activities. If you don't understand what I mean, you will as I begin to post the details of my adventures.

Happy Halloween.