Cadillac
http://play.rhapsody.com/johnwilliams3/
johnwilliamsgreatesthits19691999/
cadillacoftheskiesfromempireofthesun
If there's one thing I wish, it's that I could sit with you for the longest time and listen to music. We could do it anywhere ... on a cliff overlooking the sea. In the haze of a summer's dusk, rocking on a porch. Under the stars. There's no one perfect place- in an odd way, there are too many places that are perfect.
There'd be no need to restrict the type of music that we listened to. My only rule would be that each selection would have to mean something. It would have to hold a place in your heart, draw something out of you, require something of you. I would offer the same; nothing less than music that meant I had to share some piece of me with you.
As we listened, though, I would have the same regret I always do. As much as my words would try, I wouldn't be able to tell you how the music moved me. I could certainly tell you why it was special ... I could tell you the memories it invoked. I could try to tell you about the images it conjured. I could summon the courage and even tell you that it made me so happy, so afraid, so sad, so peaceful. But the actual how of what the music did- the swell of emotion within my chest, the involuntary wetness in my eyes, the silence of my chattering mind- I could never declare to you in a way that mattered.
The only solution would be for you to see it happen ... for you to hear the notes and see the tears running down my cheeks. To place your hand on my chest and feel my pulse quicken. To reach out and try to experience what I was feeling first-hand.
I'm not very good at expressing myself sometimes. I'll show you anger, joy, humor, frustration, and cynicism quite readily. But sadness, fear, hesitation, or any other sign of weakness ... I have the most difficult time letting them out. There's just a distinct inability in me to look at you and tell you I'm vulnerable. I can't bring myself to say that I need someone, or that I'm afraid what my life would be like without them.
The first step, for now, would be admitting the truth that I really do need the people in my life. To deny that would cheat them and myself.
In the meantime, while I work on that, I was wondering if you wanted to listen to some music. If you're up for it, we could start with the corps hymn and go from there ...
March 29, 2008
March 12, 2008
Stuff I Should Be Doing Right Now
1. Planning out the airline tickets I need to get to France with the Allentown Band. Additionally, I should be plotting out anything else I want to do in Europe with my week off. It's only three months away ... but what's intercontinental travel without a little excitement?
2. Writing my Martindale thesis. It's a pile of dog crap right now.
3. Sleeping.
4. Taking care of the plethora of useless paperwork I've amassed from NSCS and Gryphoning over the last few weeks. It's amazing what a distinct sense of apathy can do for your motivation when you know the work is pointless.
5. Finishing the regular, worthwhile homework I've amassed over the last few weeks. It's equally amazing how doing almost zero work has only cost me about half a point of GPA for this semester so far. Makes you wonder what I've been doing with my life up till now.
And what am I doing instead of all that? Sitting on the couch, waiting to go to another meeting that, ultimately, will not matter in the end.
As much as Spring Break should have rejuvenated me, I think for right now it's taken the last of the wind out of my sails. Things will be okay again soon, just ... for right now they're not. And it's not like there's even anything I could be doing except getting up and taking care of the usual shit. There is simply nothing left to be done but wait for time to pass.
So for now ... I hang with friends, I do what work that I must, and I wait.
"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.
I hope I can make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I hope."
-Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption
1. Planning out the airline tickets I need to get to France with the Allentown Band. Additionally, I should be plotting out anything else I want to do in Europe with my week off. It's only three months away ... but what's intercontinental travel without a little excitement?
2. Writing my Martindale thesis. It's a pile of dog crap right now.
3. Sleeping.
4. Taking care of the plethora of useless paperwork I've amassed from NSCS and Gryphoning over the last few weeks. It's amazing what a distinct sense of apathy can do for your motivation when you know the work is pointless.
5. Finishing the regular, worthwhile homework I've amassed over the last few weeks. It's equally amazing how doing almost zero work has only cost me about half a point of GPA for this semester so far. Makes you wonder what I've been doing with my life up till now.
And what am I doing instead of all that? Sitting on the couch, waiting to go to another meeting that, ultimately, will not matter in the end.
As much as Spring Break should have rejuvenated me, I think for right now it's taken the last of the wind out of my sails. Things will be okay again soon, just ... for right now they're not. And it's not like there's even anything I could be doing except getting up and taking care of the usual shit. There is simply nothing left to be done but wait for time to pass.
So for now ... I hang with friends, I do what work that I must, and I wait.
"I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.
I hope I can make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I hope."
-Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption
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