Uncertainty
"Some men think with their dicks. Some men think with their heads. The most successful men, though, think with their hearts."
-David J. Herman, Sr.
You have to think with your heart and act out of love in as much as you can. Sure, by trusting and reaching out and responding all the time, you're going to get hurt a lot more than if you just turtled up. But ... isn't that how you hit it big, too? Isn't that how you live the happiest life you can?
So that's my rationale on this one. That'll be how I explain it.
December 22, 2008
December 15, 2008
Fall
It's over. Thank the gods, it's finally over.
I'll admit that this was not my finest semester. Performance in all areas was sub-par at best. Without looking too closely, it's easy to see stuff all over the place that could have been improved upon. Interestingly and despite my most ridiculous doubts, though, the world kept on spinning. I guess that's the silver lining. Maybe in the future I'll remember the work of this semester and remind myself that stellar, top-notch performance is superfluous to function (read: happiness). Maybe.
I've spend the last week organizing the spring semester into a far more consolidated, efficient beast than the fall was. Music and teaching fell on the chopping block as usual, leaving class and research in the top spots. The goal was to find time to sleep and relax, enjoying my last semester with these lingering friends and loved ones. With that big ol' M.S. degree serving as my purpose for the next 9 months, I suppose the way things shook out was logical, if cold. I'll still have some music. I'll still have time to teach the class I really did want to teach. What's more, everyone who was supposed to be mad, disappointed, or upset has been incredibly supportive. Whether they knew me well or were just objectively compassionate, I am grateful for that much.
I feel myself pulling away from beloved Lehigh. It's just one of those things ... the natural course has been run. It's time to go. As is typical, a starting point for my adult life has been chosen, although it's important to note that it can be rescinded at any time. Where else would I go? Who knows? The adventurous part of me wants to save my pennies, board a plane, and find the world. The passionate part of me wants to petition to spend the summer traveling with some drum corps. The pragmatic part of me wants to get a job so I can begin to build a life that can support a family someday.
My winter break will mostly be spent here at school, getting research done. I'll hopefully spend the majority of my time running, practicing, and reading. If I can catch up on even a little of my reading list, I'll be quite thankful. The peace of the quiet, tranquil mountain will be a welcome respite from the hecticity of the last four (seven? twelve?) months. Also, I feel the time alone will be important.
So it goes ... as usual, my favorite saying from Opus the Penguin certainly applies here.
"Another day, another segue."
Happy Winter Break.
It's over. Thank the gods, it's finally over.
I'll admit that this was not my finest semester. Performance in all areas was sub-par at best. Without looking too closely, it's easy to see stuff all over the place that could have been improved upon. Interestingly and despite my most ridiculous doubts, though, the world kept on spinning. I guess that's the silver lining. Maybe in the future I'll remember the work of this semester and remind myself that stellar, top-notch performance is superfluous to function (read: happiness). Maybe.
I've spend the last week organizing the spring semester into a far more consolidated, efficient beast than the fall was. Music and teaching fell on the chopping block as usual, leaving class and research in the top spots. The goal was to find time to sleep and relax, enjoying my last semester with these lingering friends and loved ones. With that big ol' M.S. degree serving as my purpose for the next 9 months, I suppose the way things shook out was logical, if cold. I'll still have some music. I'll still have time to teach the class I really did want to teach. What's more, everyone who was supposed to be mad, disappointed, or upset has been incredibly supportive. Whether they knew me well or were just objectively compassionate, I am grateful for that much.
I feel myself pulling away from beloved Lehigh. It's just one of those things ... the natural course has been run. It's time to go. As is typical, a starting point for my adult life has been chosen, although it's important to note that it can be rescinded at any time. Where else would I go? Who knows? The adventurous part of me wants to save my pennies, board a plane, and find the world. The passionate part of me wants to petition to spend the summer traveling with some drum corps. The pragmatic part of me wants to get a job so I can begin to build a life that can support a family someday.
My winter break will mostly be spent here at school, getting research done. I'll hopefully spend the majority of my time running, practicing, and reading. If I can catch up on even a little of my reading list, I'll be quite thankful. The peace of the quiet, tranquil mountain will be a welcome respite from the hecticity of the last four (seven? twelve?) months. Also, I feel the time alone will be important.
So it goes ... as usual, my favorite saying from Opus the Penguin certainly applies here.
"Another day, another segue."
Happy Winter Break.
December 06, 2008
On the Couch
The following is a summarized, paraphrased, internalized dialogue from some of the time I spent at the Counseling Center last Spring.
"You take certain people in your life and build them up into some sort of superhero status. It's always easy for us to tell who they are, because you rearrange your whole life around them. Back in high school, we knew for a fact that you would never have done anything to cross Mr. C. In fact, you were willing to overlook his flaws entirely, practice hours upon hours a day for him, defend him in any conversation, and I bet if he'd asked, you would have laid down in traffic for him. He was one of your superheroes.
So that's what you do. I'll bet at Lehigh you've got the same relationship with certain professors, don't you? How about over at- what's your company's name, Air Products? You haven't talked to any of the Cadets staff in years, but if Marc Sylvester called I have no doubt you'd fly over to J. Birney Crum or whatever midwest high school he named.
Now, all that's fine- to an extent. But what you do next is where the problems come in. You get your motivation from these people because they give you the praise that validates you. And whatever validates you is where your focus goes. Science. Like I said, you build everything you do around these heroic archetypes of people that you create. Academically and professionally, this has benefited you quite well. You build a hero, you kill yourself for them, they praise you, and you're beloved as the worker and achiever you are. I'm not saying this entirely out of derision, either- I'm saying this out of respect and admiration, too. Sure, you fuck up all the time, but you know that you've crafted quite a little resume for yourself in the last decade.
So why are you so unhappy, you ask? For exactly the reasons I've already described- you get your validation from being a wunderkind for your heroes. The thing is that that takes a toll on you. No one can sustain 20 hour workdays and a downright debilitating number of commitments. Where do you get release, then? Certainly not another hero, god no. That's where the stress came from in the first place. So you look to other aspects of your life, your friends and relationships. Your friends, being typically busy and motivated themselves, are often able to overlook or forgive your incessant cancellations, delays, and apologies. They know the score- if there's work, M. Jeremy's gonna do it. The fact that they love you anyway is what makes them so good to you.
Now your relationships ... you gotta know that's where you fuck up the most, right? You don't want more stress, especially if it's not where you get your validation, so you never regard the girls you date as the heroes you live for. Because of this, they never even stand a chance. If they no longer serve entirely as the escape you're looking for, you don't want to put in the time anymore. The moment they ask something back from you that you aren't immediately willing to give, they become superfluous to you. Cold, maybe, but mostly true.
Your hope lies, I think, in finding a way to get some sense of that accomplished validation from the women you love. You get your motivation from acknowledgment of accomplishment. Think about this- you come home from work, you tell her you did good that day. In a perfect world where you would be happy, her reaction would mean more to you than anyone else's that day. Her recognition of who you are would make the whole of your existence. She'd be your hero, the one you'd want to lay down in traffic for. That can never happen, though, if you don't open yourself up. You need to be willing to acknowledge the fact that someone else knows you're not perfect but they love you anyway.
I think that's where the disconnect comes from, really. There's always a barrier between you and your current heroes that keeps them out, keeps you shining. The women you loved wanted and needed that barrier to come down. In a lot of ways, they just wanted you. But you wouldn't let it- that notion frightened you- so you retreated back to your heroes, walked away, and let them be the escape hatch that became too stressful. Either that, or you tried to open up, and maybe things just didn't go your way.
Does any of this make sense? What do you think?"
The following is a summarized, paraphrased, internalized dialogue from some of the time I spent at the Counseling Center last Spring.
"You take certain people in your life and build them up into some sort of superhero status. It's always easy for us to tell who they are, because you rearrange your whole life around them. Back in high school, we knew for a fact that you would never have done anything to cross Mr. C. In fact, you were willing to overlook his flaws entirely, practice hours upon hours a day for him, defend him in any conversation, and I bet if he'd asked, you would have laid down in traffic for him. He was one of your superheroes.
So that's what you do. I'll bet at Lehigh you've got the same relationship with certain professors, don't you? How about over at- what's your company's name, Air Products? You haven't talked to any of the Cadets staff in years, but if Marc Sylvester called I have no doubt you'd fly over to J. Birney Crum or whatever midwest high school he named.
Now, all that's fine- to an extent. But what you do next is where the problems come in. You get your motivation from these people because they give you the praise that validates you. And whatever validates you is where your focus goes. Science. Like I said, you build everything you do around these heroic archetypes of people that you create. Academically and professionally, this has benefited you quite well. You build a hero, you kill yourself for them, they praise you, and you're beloved as the worker and achiever you are. I'm not saying this entirely out of derision, either- I'm saying this out of respect and admiration, too. Sure, you fuck up all the time, but you know that you've crafted quite a little resume for yourself in the last decade.
So why are you so unhappy, you ask? For exactly the reasons I've already described- you get your validation from being a wunderkind for your heroes. The thing is that that takes a toll on you. No one can sustain 20 hour workdays and a downright debilitating number of commitments. Where do you get release, then? Certainly not another hero, god no. That's where the stress came from in the first place. So you look to other aspects of your life, your friends and relationships. Your friends, being typically busy and motivated themselves, are often able to overlook or forgive your incessant cancellations, delays, and apologies. They know the score- if there's work, M. Jeremy's gonna do it. The fact that they love you anyway is what makes them so good to you.
Now your relationships ... you gotta know that's where you fuck up the most, right? You don't want more stress, especially if it's not where you get your validation, so you never regard the girls you date as the heroes you live for. Because of this, they never even stand a chance. If they no longer serve entirely as the escape you're looking for, you don't want to put in the time anymore. The moment they ask something back from you that you aren't immediately willing to give, they become superfluous to you. Cold, maybe, but mostly true.
Your hope lies, I think, in finding a way to get some sense of that accomplished validation from the women you love. You get your motivation from acknowledgment of accomplishment. Think about this- you come home from work, you tell her you did good that day. In a perfect world where you would be happy, her reaction would mean more to you than anyone else's that day. Her recognition of who you are would make the whole of your existence. She'd be your hero, the one you'd want to lay down in traffic for. That can never happen, though, if you don't open yourself up. You need to be willing to acknowledge the fact that someone else knows you're not perfect but they love you anyway.
I think that's where the disconnect comes from, really. There's always a barrier between you and your current heroes that keeps them out, keeps you shining. The women you loved wanted and needed that barrier to come down. In a lot of ways, they just wanted you. But you wouldn't let it- that notion frightened you- so you retreated back to your heroes, walked away, and let them be the escape hatch that became too stressful. Either that, or you tried to open up, and maybe things just didn't go your way.
Does any of this make sense? What do you think?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)