Ghost

I guess I'd forgotten the feeling. Maybe I'd never recognized it.

I was sitting in a coffee shop. I was in a town that was basically foreign. There was little chance- an infinitesimally small chance- that I'd seen anyone I knew, or who knew me. It's the feeling you get when traveling alone. A solitude amidst strangers, an odd quiet.

It's a feeling that's like ... freedom. No one knows you. There are no expectations when you're out in the world like that. You can react to anything however you want. You can make friends, ignore everyone, hunker down in a book. You can't do the same thing in the coffee shop in your town. Maybe the barista knows you. Maybe someone you know walks in, tosses a glance in your direction. Then it's ruined. You're back in the persona you've crafted. There are platitudes that must be maintained, general acknowledgement of whatever person recognizes you from a previous dealing.

In transit, in far away space, the rules are thrown out. You're reset. There's no audience, and hence no performance.

It's the same reason I relish time alone in my home.

I'm thinking this feeling is a problem.

I'm thinking this feeling is based on a basic disconnection from others. More importantly, a need to disconnect from others.

Do I always perform?

Why?

First, Best Destiny

"If I may be so bold, it was a mistake for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first, best destiny; anything else is a waste of material."
-Spock

I knew this would happen. I arrived home at the end of my two year sojourn. At first I was overjoyed. Then I felt lost, discovering the fallacy of hoping it would all be the same. Then I felt sad ... alone.

Now it's been half a year. My usual patterns have emerged. I've grown comfortable in my work. I've tried dating. I've made several serious mistakes. I've developed a new circle of friends.

They were all far from halcyon, but looking back, my best times were when I was logistically (although not emotionally) overwrought. When the work was pouring in. When my time was in demand. When I was dating a girl and had really fallen for her. When I was teaching someone something- anything. When I couldn't sleep because there was simply too much to do, not too much to think about.

Maybe I wasn't at my best, when I think about those times. Maybe I was just too busy to let myself wander. Idle hands.

Maybe I have no best? I suppose that'd be determined by others. I wouldn't dare ask.

Ahab and Kirk felt stagnant when deprived of their great passions. They fell into depression, isolation. In the absence of their pursuits, they were not themselves. They missed their first, best destiny.

Have I already missed it?

Am I still waiting for it?

Is it a job? A role? A family?

Whither shall I go? ... what am I waiting for?