Fuck Owls

I sat down in the 4th floor Packard computer lab an hour ago to do some gryphon work and study for finance. In about twenty minutes I had put together the fliers I needed to do for gryphoning (in Publisher) then quickly ran down each of the 8 pages in question to print then out. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly as the printer began spewing copies ... so I got up and went into the hall to make a phone call.

I returned 15 minutes later to find several irate engineering students standing around the printer and a completely bugged out Publisher program. I looked into the printer output tray to discover what seemed to be an entire ream of paper that had just been used to make fliers for World AIDS Day. "That's funny," I thought. "That's what my fliers look like."

Apparently, when I had selected the number of copies for each page, I had selected "70" instead of "7." The result was that I had requested 560 fliers on AIDS, then locked my screen and left. On the upside I was able to cancel the process about 200 fliers in ... on the downside, I had accidentally left the wrong year at the bottom of every single one. All 200 completed fliers thus made their way into the recycle bin as I fired up Publisher to start another round of printing with another 50+ sheets of paper.

Oh well ... it's not like the Spotted Owl was going to make a comeback anyway, right?


"If you had an ounce of common sense you'd be a danger to this world, Jeremy."
-Mrs. Patricia Underwood, Cherokee HS Latin Teacher

The End Draws Nigh

Break was excellent ... slept, ate, drank, took care of errands, did little else. By last night my hands were actually steady from sleeping 10-12 hours for four nights in a row. Tremendous.

The last two weeks after Thanksgiving are comparatively easy to get through, in my mind. The break is just enough of a re-charge to make it through ten more class days no matter what those days throw at you. It's looking to be a busy week all around ... concerts, projects, homework, applications, and even an exam just for good measure. Compared to most people my week is downright calm, actually, so I'm going take it and run.

Stuff that rocks right now (a lot):

-feel ready for both of tomorrow's rehearsals
-the concert this weekend (Saturday at 8 PM) should be good
-the brass choir conductor may have scored a higher quality baritone for my use at Vespers
-the NSCS advisor just finished my scholarship recommendation, and I only have one question left to answer in the application itself
-ran 2.5 miles in 19 minutes this morning
-our stock price went up $0.01 in the IBE Game (first rise ever)
-have almost the whole night open to get work done
-get to see the M&M staff at their meeting tonight
-got an 80 on the ECE recitation quiz I thought I bombed
-if I can do well on the last Finance midterm on Thursday, I can hopefully skip out of the final
-this weather is freakin sweet

Stuff that doesn't rock right now:

-Professor Perreira may have "lost" the systems project that my partner and I killed ourselves on last week (so that we could hand it in last Tuesday and get full credit)
-Professor Perreira explained the same project today to the whole class ... there's now a strong chance we'll be redoing it by Friday even if he does find it
-Air Products hasn't responded yet (not really an issue, just something I'm anxious to hear about)
-the team's IBE grade is completely in the hands of our seemingly apathetic professor

Stuff I'm pondering right now:

-Where to request to gryphon next year (freshman? upperclassmen again?)
-Should I follow some advice I've received and apply for HG, or would I be kidding myself?
-What to buy Mom for Christmas?
-Where to apply for summer work, aside from Lockheed Martin, Air Products, and Disney? Any suggestions?
-Do I really want to date someone right now, or am I just feeling a little lonely during moments of boredom in between work? And if I want to date someone ... what am I going to do about it?

See what happens? You put a little sleep in me and I become obnoxiously cheerful.

Happy Break and Happy Home Stretch.

McDonald's

8:04 PM
Jeremy's friend calls, suggests that Jeremy could make her dreams come true by stopping at McDonald's and picking up a dollar sundae before visiting her on duty. Jeremy promises to do so.

8:10 PM
Jeremy and his roommate jump in the Mach 5 and head to McDonald's. No issues arise en route.

8:14 PM
Jeremy and his roommate arrive at McDonald's. It is heavily staffed, but the majority of the staff (including the manager) appear to be engrossed in meaningless conversation with one another. There is thus one order-taker and one cook working.

8:16 PM
Jeremy's roommate orders a quarter-pounder with cheese and a dollar sundae. His sundae is delivered immediately.

8:17 PM
Jeremy orders a double cheeseburger and two dollar sundaes.

8:20 PM
Someone in the drive-through line orders no less than five dollar sundaes and nothing else. Ostensibly, this person either has several children in the car, several drunks in the car, or severe diabetic problems. The McDonald's staff is incredulous but obliging, and sets to making the five requested sundaes immediately.

8:23 PM
Just as the fifth and final sundae is finished, the soft-serve machine utters a fatalistic groan and craps out. The McDonald's staff implements their extensive maintenance protocol on the machine in question. Such protocol includes but is not limited to:

-striking the machine with their fists or other blunt objects
-turning the machine on and off over and over again
-addressing the machine as a "fuckin waste of a bitch"
-telling one another to "shut the fuck up cause [they's] all up on that shit"

8:25 PM
Jeremy is informed that his sundaes are now an impossibility. The suggested replacement is a yogurt parfait. Not wishing to return empty-handed, Jeremy grudgingly accepts the yogurt and leaves with his roommate.

8:26 PM
Jeremy calls his friend to inform her of mission failure; her boyfriend picks up. Jeremy explains the situation to him, only to hear back "Yeah, she hates that McDonald's yogurt crap ... but I'll let you tell her what happened. I had nothing to do with this."

8:33 PM
Upon arriving back at his apartment, Jeremy drops his bag of food and both yogurt parfaits pop open, sending their contents throughout the bag and onto Jeremy's desk. When his roommate begins laughing uncontrollably, Jeremy tells him to go blow himself.

8:34 PM
Jeremy realizes with utter conviction that his life is a farce.

O Holy Name

Unlike last year when I watched the 2005 Cadets DVD on a daily/weekly basis, I really haven't found myself pulling it out that often so far this fall. I think about the corps, the memories, and the music every single day, but until tonight it had been about 4-5 months or so since I last sat down and watched it on my own. On a whim (and probably because I didn't want to start my last homework assignment of the evening), I popped the DVD in and awaited the most prepared-for 12 minutes and 30 seconds of my life.

Not surprisingly, I found that I still remembered every drill move, every direction change, every note fingering, and every inappropriate chant from visual rehearsal. Now that it's been so long, I doubt I'll ever really be able to forget all those things, especially since 2005 was my first, last, and only year in DCI. There will never be another drill to replace this one, another summer of memories and new faces to associate with the corps, or another new fish formation to march. Deep down I am very content with that ... to be able to say I marched in one of the greatest executing drum corps in DCI history, with one of the most powerful shows in DCI history. What more could anyone ask for?

Also not surprisingly, by the end of Liquid (the opener) I had tears in my eyes. Recalling the struggles, the days when I almost broke down, and most of all the people of that summer ... I didn't realize how long I had gone without thinking about some of it. The flashback that I always get is the first time I put on the uniform- the Maroon and Gold, complete with gaunlets, crossbelt, muckle, everything except the Dinkles and shako. I had dreamed of putting on that uniform for years, and to finally be standing in it at a Cadets rehearsal, ready to go back into the horn arc and continue playing the corps song ... it was a wish come true. You couldn't have found a happier guy in this hemisphere, that day.

And so the season came and went, and I struggled, and fought, and was injured, and was inspired, and was encouraged, and was rewarded so, so greatly. At the end of the summer, all I wanted to do was go home, to take my gold medal and sleep in my bed with it wrapped around my neck. For months afterwards I was nothing but content to know that my life in drum corps was over. I had very fresh memories of the lack of sleep, the pain of the long rehearsal days, and the discomfort that someone can only experience when they're sitting on blacktop in the Texas sun at noon eating fish sticks and macaroni and cheese made on a truck (and loving it).

Now, with a year and a half gone by ... it's easy to see the choice I then made. Forced to decide between a cushy life at home for 2006, working a dumb internship for fistfuls of cash or another summer of corps, I rationalized. The better choice for my career was the internship so that I could fluff up the resume another notch, make enough money to upgrade my life, and sleep in a bed every night. The notion coincided with the wishes of my family, few of my friends cared one way or the other, and it was obviously the easier option. To make things even simpler, there wasn't even a "right" choice; I could do whatever my heart desired and justify it as I saw fit. I thus turned my back to drum corps.

I bring this up not to lament my decision for Cadets 2006 or 2007 (marching is an impossibility for several reasons), but because the whole idea behind it got me thinking of choices. The problem really is choice, as they say in The Matrix, and it's surprising how often we don't even realize we're making a decision about something. This can be applied to any aspect of life, too. Every single line of reasoning or rationale that a person uses to convince themselves to do something ... it's really just that person making a choice and condoning it in their own mind. "I'm not going to do the homework for tomorrow, but it's Friday and most people won't do it and it's only one so who cares." Such was the choice you made, to do something else besides the homework. Who's to say if you're right or wrong, either. It is what it is.

The difficulty I'm finding, however, is how even significantly larger choices can be passed off with this kind of indifference and simplification. To say to yourself, "I could pursue something, this dream of mine. I could chase it down and fight for it and never let it die." But if that's the harder road, odds are that you'll revert to the familiar and make the safer choice for yourself. Such is especially true if the returns on your dream are in no way guaranteed ... what would happen if you fought for something, only to watch what you wanted pass through your fingers? What would you have sacrificed at that point, all for nothing? Your grades? Your time? Your friends? Then again, what if you reached what you wanted- would it still have been worth it? Would you have bettered your life to make up for the sacrifice in your own eyes?

There's no way of knowing any of this, of course. The only way to figure out the true consequences of a choice is to make it and live it every single day to the best of your ability. In the end, I'm guessing the only people that lose are the ones who choose the safest road each time and forsake that of which they dream. The worst part is that they may not even know they made that safe choice ... they may have told themselves it was just better to stick to the status quo and not put themselves out there. They may have made excuses about how the dream was already out of their reach, or how someone else had already achieved it, or how the sacrifice would have simply been too great. They may have given up even before they began, and let their dream remain just as it was- a passing dream.

And with that, back to work.

Or, as I like to call it, the safe choice.

Musings

It's 7:13 AM ... studied for Systems for about 7 hours so far, with more studying to take place this morning leading into the test. I'm somewhat proud to say that I still have no idea what the heck is going to be on this exam. I'm also proud to say that I seem to be finding an unhealthy amount of satisfaction in the fact that everyone else is equally doomed.

Last night I was walking down to Packard to start studying (around 6:30 PM), and as I crossed the lawn, I couldn't help but look around and take pleasure in the atmosphere of a Sunday night. The campus was basically empty, the sky was that dark pinkish color it gets when it's cloudy but the lights from the city keep it aglow, and there was a cool but not uncomfortable wind blowing. The trees had all but lost the entirety of their leaves, and in the air there was that damp, rainy smell. Even the traffic seemed to have slowed down to almost nothing; the vast majority of Bethlehem was thus still.

It was a nice moment in time to absorb and enjoy ... and for the first time in a while, I wished someone had been there to experience it with me.

It's odd how over time, no matter who you are, there is always oscillation between happiness with what you have and longing for what you don't. One night you'll be hanging with your friends carefree, come home, and nothing will so much as cross your mind about having someone. The next night you'll be alone on an empty campus in a beautiful atmosphere, and suddenly you'll still be feeling content but have a certain sense of loneliness about you.

Interesting ... but not nearly so interesting as LaPlace Transforms (as I have no doubt you'd agree), so for now I think it's time to take a shower, find some caffeine, and study another few hours for this catastrophe. Maybe I can pull the same tricks I did on my AP exams- if only I knew how strongly Professor Perreira felt about dinosaurs fighting a dual ninja/pirate army. It's so hard to tell that kind of thing sometimes.

Slightly Hectic, Always Dramatic

I will write more sometime this week, when there isn't a major assignment and/or exam within the next 24 hours of when I sit down.

Here's a recap of the last 5 days or so (since my pointlessly dramatic week obviously fizzled out):

Tuesday
Finance exam went well- the TA asked me how I got some of my answers, since I used an indirect method. I can't tell if she was entirely impressed when I responded "guess and check," but I came within a few hundredths of the correct responses so I figure I can't lose too many points. Wind Ensemble that night was only an hour ... a huge morale boost for anyone who knows the organization or Professor Diggs. That reminds me that I haven't practiced outside rehearsal more than once in the last two weeks, and I'm very much missing playing on a regular basis. Maybe after tomorrow?

Wednesday
Inconsequential day mired in pointless IBE work and three meetings. The meetings went fairly well and I received only minimal assignments from them, though, so no complaints. Looking back, I probably could have done more studying on this day to prevent the traumatic events of Thursday. I also spent about three hours on Wednesday prepping the first part of the Systems project ... Professor Perreira seemed to like it when he glanced over what I had, so good times.

Thursday
My interview with Air Products took place mid-afternoon. It was a very unusual interview ... once again, the company sent an engineer rather than a Human Resources rep. To my experience, it seems like engineers don't really know how to interview in the conventional sense; everytime one has spoken to me, they'll ask me some general, background-based questions, then talk about the company for about 20 minutes, then shake my hand and I leave. This one was no different, although at the end he did say he thought I'd be a "good fit" and that he'd "recommend me for the next level of the hiring process." Hopefully his rec, my thank-you letter to him, and my resume will be enough to carry the day ... it was just so hard to discern how the thing went.

What made the interview even more exciting was that it was on the hottest day of the fall (temps in the mid to high 60's), we were sitting in the tiniest room in Rauch, the window was closed, the sun was shining in, he was 250+ lbs., and I was wearing my full suit. What ensued was an absolutely disgusting sauna-like environment in which I sweat what seemed to be two or three pounds of my total body weight over the course of the interview. I didn't know whether to wipe my face or let cascades of sweat pour down it as he droned on about his own work at Air Products ... in the end I wiped, but by that point it didn't make much of a difference. My undershirt and dress shirt were completely soaked by the time I got back to the apartment, and I can honestly say I haven't experienced swamp-ass like that since Finals night at the Cadets. So, so gross.

Following the interview I had a gryphon staff meeting, staff dinner, and then studied for a total of about ten hours for the two exams of the next day. ECE studying was 8:30-12:30 AM, Fluids was 1 to 7 AM (with a nap from 3:30 to 5). I felt like a million bucks by the time I was in the shower getting ready for the exams themselves.

Friday
ECE was at 8 AM, and barring any major mistakes or algebraic catastrophes, I think it went pretty well. As always, I'm aiming low and hoping for a 75-80 (with the average being about 60-65). Fluids also went well (arguably better), and I'm hoping for 80-85 on that one. What's funny is that the studying I did for both of them was somewhat unnecessary; everything that appeared on the exams was stuff that I knew fairly well. The rest of the material that I tried to cram into my brain was superfluous ... oh well. Sleep is for the weak.

After that I handed in the Systems project, went to finance recitation, enjoyed chicken finger Friday (some people have church, I have CFF), ran errands for gryphoning, and went to IBE lab. As I walked into IBE, two friends of mine were discussing how tired they were and how they were excited that the week was over. Our professor made some comment about how he never understood why we were so tired, and why we never got any sleep. One friend of mine told him that I had it the worst, since I'd pulled an almost all-nighter and had a bad week. Our professor, apparently in a state of super-grumpy-poopy-pants, looked straight at me and said, "All-nighters are the result of poor planning. If you'd known what you were doing, that wouldn't have been necessary. I didn't pull a single all-nighter in college, not even once."

Thanks, Dr. H. You're a swell guy on Friday afternoons at 2.

IBE lecture notwithstanding, the week then ended swiftly and I was able to enjoy a very relaxing, very fun weekend that I shall cover in a future entry. To say that it was epic is to not do it full justice, as such a description would place it on the same plane as The Iliad or The Aeneid or even Dante's Inferno. Oh no ... this weekend was so much more than that.

As for today, I'm going to grab lunch, do IBE work, make the IBE decision with the group at 2:30, call the rents, and then begin studying for Systems (the last exam of this cycle, happening tomorrow at 11 AM). Once systems is done, all that's left is a week of regular homework before Lehigh/Laf and then Thanksgiving.

I can't tell you how excited I am.

A Week that I'll Make Pointlessly Dramatic, Day 2

Tuesday, 1:44 PM

Status:
Doing Wednesday homework, rehearsal at 6:30.

Tasks:
Class x 2
Finance Exam
Brunch
ME Lab
Homework x 2
Rehearsal
Register for Classes

Health: 75%

Symptoms:
Nausea
Sleepiness
Sore Throat/Cough
Headache

Sleep Total:
12.5 hours

Morale:
Seeking motivation.

Pointlessly Dramatic Music of the Day:
Dancing Mad, Nobuo Uematsu

A Week that I'll Make Pointlessly Dramatic, Day 1

Monday, 9:21 AM

Status:
Studying in Packard for ECE 81 quiz.

Tasks:
Sign up for interview
Class x4
ECE 81 Quiz
Meeting with Advisor
IBE Game Memo/Decision (?)
Read ME 21 Lab Notes
Study for Fin 225 Exam

Health: 85%

Symptoms:
Swollen lymph nodes
Joint aches
Sore Throat

Sleep Total:
5.5 Hours

Morale:
Sufficiently Caffeinated

Pointlessly Dramatic Music of Choice:
Mars, Bringer of War (Holst)

Shaky Hands

Earlier this week I shared a phone call with a friend of mine from years ago. She's a junior currently attending U-Maryland as a Mech-E. We haven't seen one another in person since we last worked together at the Philly Naval Base (Summer 2003), but we've been in contact via e-mail for the last three years. It's always nice to have a conversation with her, catch up, and share our similar woes on topics such as thermodynamics, fluids, and relative mechanics ... yes, we really are that cool.

During our conversation this time, though, she eventually brought up the topic of stress and the different feelings she seems to be experiencing this year as an engineering student. She said that while stress has always been there and sleep has always been wanting, there's just something about junior year that has been pushing her closer to the edge. We both then mentioned various situations we knew in which individuals had finally succumbed to the emotional instability that seems so prevalent in college. Trapped under the crushing fears of finding a career, getting grades, and fighting the pressure to achieve, these students had snapped, freaked out, and most of them had been sent home. Some returned; most did not.

In discussing our own symptoms related to anxiety, she and I even tallied up the following list (emphasizing the fact that each of them seems to be getting worse as time passes):

-blurred vision
-headaches
-stomach aches
-inability to focus
-narcolepsy (mostly in class)
-shaking

It was, in the end, a very intriguing conversation, and I enjoyed the chance to talk about this sort of thing with someone who seems to understand it so well. Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so nervous all the time, why I can't seem to feel good without social validation, and why I've been basing so much of my happiness of various sources outside myself. The conclusion my friend and I came to, eventually, was that someone long ago must have told us that we were smart. Some teacher, or parent, or fellow student must have mentioned how well we'd done on a test or assignment, and we'd been delighted. With so much emphasis on school during our childhood, it was only natural that our reaction would have then been to continue our academic success as long as possible. After all, when we brought home good grades, mom and dad were happy. Our teachers were happy. Our classmates respected us. Who could have blamed us for not wanting it to end?

Somewhere along the line, we became so enamoured with this idea of being the "good student" that we ourselves came to value it more than anyone else actually did. We became obsessed with it, and in the process being the most successful member of our class became our identity. I, for example, was no longer Jeremy Walsh ... I was Jeremy Walsh, the "smart kid." There was no point to being just myself anymore- some regular little boy who liked video games and baseball and playing in the pool with maybe a bit of talent in the classroom. There was no reason to continue with that, because everyone was like that and it didn't merit any extra attention. I wasn't very good at sports or music, the other main outlets in which a kid could distinguish themselves, so being academically astute was my way of defining myself. All that probably happened in elementary school.

The same system continued is middle and high school, during which time I actually hit my peak nerdiness (you think I'm a nerd now, you should have seen me at 13). I branched out to music in high school, discovering that practicing two hours a night can earn you a spot in the jazz band, the all-state band, and even the all-eastern band if you prepare well enough. The main theme of my motivation was still there, however ... to be the best. Making the transition to college almost pushed me too far, as my friends and family from the time can tell you, because it meant I was going to have a chance to redefine myself. And in that redefinition process, I might no longer be able to be the "smart kid;" who knew what challenges college academics could present to me. If I couldn't hack it, what would I be? Another guy who likes video games, drum corps, and girls (thank God girls replaced baseball)? What consequences would there be? That's what everyone else was ... what was I?

And here we are, my friend and I, three years later ... and somewhere along all that way, we think we've missed something. We'd been so bent on being the best, identifying ourselves in that way, that the truth of the matter has finally arrived and we now have nowhere to hide. Because "the best" is something that can determine some small fraction of "what" you are, but "who" you are ... that's something else entirely. "Who" you are is whether or not you're kind, or giving, or open, or honest, or helpful. It's what you do that defines who you are, not the other way around. All those smart kids who would have lived or died by a test score when they were 9 years old- "who" we are now is just a bunch of cowards. Afraid to disappoint, afraid to fail, afraid to be rejected, and afraid to face the truth. Afraid to realize that we're just as clueless as everyone else.

So I guess that's why our anxiety is getting worse. The time has finally come to begin facing up to real life and adulthood, and we don't know who we are or what we want. Every assignment and exam just brings us one step closer to leaving Lehigh and facing the world. Yet we still desperately cling to the idea that we've been doing it right all along, that our stellar GPA is the answer, that being the best is what life is all about. Because that's who we are ... the "best."

My friend and I agreed on a couple final points before we ended our chat. That being the best and succeeding do have a place in living, just not in being a total definition of a person. That the real sources of happiness in life are the people around you, and the things you do for them. And that maybe our hands would stop shaking so violently if we got a consistent amount of sleep.

Have a good night, everybody.

Little Appreciation Week

Sometime in the last couple years, the LU Gryphon Society decided to establish a Gryphon Big/Little system to foster friendship and mentoring between rookies and returners. For the most part the system is either ignored or the Big and Little pair are already friends, so I'm not sure how successful it really is. I mean, some gryphons probably start new friendships and whatnot with people they otherwise wouldn't meet, but that scenario most likely represents 2% of all cases.

Failed overall purpose notwithstanding, I'm actually lucky enough to have somehow generated a Big/Little family tree in only about a year's time. I have my Big, my foster Big, my cousin, and a Little of my own (who, ironically, is a 23-year-old grad student). Since I'm already friends with everyone in question, the system is fairly inconsequential except for two specific times in the semester: Big Appreciation Week, and Little Appreciation Week.

Last year for the fall and spring Big Weeks, I either decorated my Big's door or bought her a respectable pile of Easter candy. In turn, she took me out to dinner and offered me advice on the engineering-related catastrophes I'm so fond of creating. This year I'd like to think I've outdone myself by going one step further and not doing something generic, but rather targeting my gift specifically toward his likes and hobbies. I'll do the same for Big Week, of course, but right now I'm just proud of what I've accomplished so far.

See if you can guess what my Little's hobbies include, based upon the following items I purchased:

1. Entenmann's Chocolate Chip Cookies
2. "Focus" Energy Drink
3. A Pack of Tissues
4. Hand Lotion
5. The Latest Issue of Stuff Magazine





... if you guessed hang-gliding, you are incorrect.

Happy Little Appreciation Week, Chris.