2006 in Review

It's been another big one ... but maybe they're all this way?

Professional:

Two more semesters of undergrad work at Lehigh are done. The degrees I am now officially working to complete include a BS in Mechanical Engineering, a BS in Integrated Business Engineering, and a minor in Aerospace Engineering. If everything stays on track, these will be done by Spring 2008 ... after that, either the working world or graduate school. Grad school, either for a Master's in some field of engineering (what?) or an MBA.

I finished my first real summer of interning at Lockheed Martin. The work was ridiculously easy, and I learned very little in terms of applicable or transferable technical skills. I did, however, receive that critical first working position, bolster the resume, and make enough money to purchase a used car, a new trombone, car insurance, and pay off about a semester of loans. This summer the pay promises to be even better- with the trombone and car out of the way, maybe I can pay off two or three more semesters of loans?

Most importantly, perhaps, I also learned what I did not want to do:

1. Be a cog in a company that was too big to appreciate even the best, most talented low-level employees.
2. Sell myself to a stable, well-paying job with no sense of satisfaction.
3. Become trapped in such a job after other life factors (marriage, children) make it impossible to leave.
4. Work in the defense or military industries. I cannot in good conscience design things that will be used for destructive ends, nor work for a company which sells those things to a reckless government. Imagine designing a missile, only to learn that it landed in some poor guy's backyard in some desert somewhere halfway around the world. That precious missile, that technological marvel, then burst into a chaotic inferno and destroyed that man and his entire family in the blink of an eye. No thanks, not for me. Isn't there a new, longer-lasting light bulb to be invented somewhere?

Extra-curriculars:

Not much new here. Musically, my chops have healed, I've enlisted in the brass choir again on euphonium, and I've decided to do the teaching gig. This fall really helped me to re-discover my love of music, but I've already discussed that here ad nauseum.

I finally found the proper balance in terms of Gryphoning. Trembley Park is the perfect location for me ... the work, being mostly administrative, is exactly suited to my strengths. I'd like to think I could do the more hands-on work of the position (mediation, counseling, advising, etc.), but in upper-class housing it's usually just not necessary. Planning, organizing, and handling paperwork are considerably easier in almost all respects.

I took an officer position in NSCS starting this past fall. It's been a very educational experience, seeing the workings of an independent student organization from the inside. As always, I'd like to think I could help or contribute more than I do- maybe in the coming semester, now that I've got a bead on my role and how everything operates in general?


Mm, it's getting late ... this entry is thus to be completed in the future.

Before I forget, by the way, if you haven't heard the score to Spring Awakening, it may be one of the most beautiful collections of music I've ever heard. Listen to it if you have any desire to be moved.

Never Enough

The following is a quote from something- I don't know what- but it's a favorite of one of my best friends from home, and I doubt she'd mind if I borrowed it:

"No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, 'How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?'"

It's an interesting way to see things ... the idea that we are always wanting more. I personally come into contact with this problem every day. Either I want something to be more fulfilling, or I want it to last longer. The topics that this pertains to can range from the mundane (my burger at lunch sucked) to the pragmatic (I'm glad I got an 82, but I would have liked a 92) to the emotional (why was everyone so down at dinner tonight?). No matter what events unfold in any given part of a day, it just seems like either 1) the situation itself doesn't live up to my expectations of it or 2) I don't live up to the performance I expected of myself.

It's probably safe to say that this way of seeing things, however pessimistic it might seem, is likely based in my own senses of perfectionism and selfishness. The perfectionism one is easy enough to apply; I want myself to be perfect, and I tend to hold everyone else to the same standard. I am, though, far more likely to forgive others than myself, and far more quickly too, when whatever "perfect" plans I had don't come to fruition. The selfishness is also simple enough to connect ... since the majority of my thinking is ego-centric, of course I want to maximize my own sense of satisfaction regardless of the events at hand.

Usually this lack of fulfillment isn't really a problem. I go about my day, and to be honest I never have anything to complain about at all. What's the worst thing that happened to me this fall that wasn't my own fault- the systems professor losing a homework that I did and never giving me credit?

Yet, by the end of every semester, I find myself facing apathy and a sense of longing that applies to just about everything. Any good grades I get don't matter or excite me. Performing only leads me to pick out the various flaws or mistakes I make in any given show. Even seeing my friends- the one thing that really makes me happy by this point- never leaves me truly happy because we always have to part ways. As I write this, I actually lament having had to say goodnight to two different groups of friends this evening, because when I'm with them and can make them laugh ... I'm happy.

Side note- maybe this "never good enough" mentality was a factor in the ending of my last few relationships, as well as a contributor to the fact that I can't figure out where to begin starting a new one? Maybe my selfish need for personal fulfillment means that I'm missing out on the big picture of romance, and how to really find happiness with someone else? Am I so focused on finding an immediate, all-encompassing connection with someone that I'm unwilling to try and create one over time? Are all these rhetorical questions coming off as annoying, rather than as effective literary risks to be taken in an informal work of reflection?

Anyway ... the solution, as I see it, was actually something I heard from a Denis Leary stand-up performance. His message was simple- life will never be enough. People have become so sold on the idea that perfection exists that nothing will ever be enough to content them anymore. Supposedly it's possible to live the perfect life, have the perfect job, raise the perfect family, and experience nothing but happiness. But it really isn't. And even when stuff doesn't suck, that doesn't mean you'll be absolutely enraptured, either. The trick to finding happiness, then, is not to go searching for the holy grail that will deliver you all that you desire. There is no one thing that can give you all that you need and satisfy you forever. Taking joy in the little things, the minor parts of your day, is what life is about. The vast majority of us don't have much more to rely on, anyway, so it's in our own best interest to choose our attitude and face each day with optimism, responsibility, practicality, and drive.

Happiness isn't a single event, person, or thing ... it's the chocolate chip cookie you eat on the way out of the dining hall. It's the B you get when you thought failure was imminent. It's seeing your friends when you can, laughing with them when you can, and supporting them when you can. It's catching your favorite show that one time per week that it's on. It's that one run-through of a piece in the practice room when everything finally clicks. And, in five days, it's going home to the family you haven't been able to see in four months.

Take joy in all that you do ... because moments of pure happiness only come a few times in your life. Everything else on the way is what matters. Make it count.

All at Once

I'm a ridiculously lucky guy with an unusually great life.

This week's awesomeness:

-got a 92 on the last finance midterm- that means no final
-Vespers performance overall and specifically the solo both went well
-IBE presentation is done, went fairly well
-laid back finals week with excellent spacing of exams
-got a summer offer from Lockheed Martin yesterday
-got a summer offer from Air Products today

Stuff left to do:

-systems exam (Thursday 8 AM)
-ECE exam (Saturday 4 PM)
-Fluids exam (Tuesday, 8 AM)
-Law exam (Wednesday, 12 PM)
-help with closing down Trembley
-buy a $10 gift for the yearly "Walsh Family Inappropriate Gift Exchange Catastrophe" (easily one of the best holiday traditions of all time, bar none)
-IBE paper
-apply to Disney and maybe one more company for the summer
-see Uncle Tim sing on Christmas Eve and enjoy a month at home with the family


I don't know what I did to deserve a life that's as amazing as mine is, but I also know better than to ask questions of something so good. Maybe in a past life I saved a busload of orphans, puppies, and nuns from plunging over a cliff?

Happy exam week.

A Moment

The other day I was walking behind a girl on the way from Packard to Rauch- I was about ten feet or so back, and it ended up that we were going the same place. The result of this positioning was that when her phone rang, I got to hear pretty much the entirety of her conversation en route to our destination.

I normally wouldn't have tried to listen in on what she was saying ... she wasn't going out of her way to be overly loud or attract a lot of attention. It was what she said that really piqued my interest and had me casually evesdropping all the way to finance. The first two words were what really got me:

"Hi, Handsome."

She said those two little words with such sincerity and obvious feeling that, without knowing anything about her or the person on the other end of the phone, you knew she was in love. There was that lilting, that lift, that vague innuendo to her voice that belied not only the meaning of what she said but also the sincerity behind that meaning. I was glancing off in another direction when I first heard her speak up, but I could tell immediately that she was also smiling ... you can't say something like that, with that kind of emotion behind it, without smiling.

The conversation wasn't deep or philosophical or melodramatic in any way. She was just calling her significant other to ask how his morning had gone and see if he wanted to see her that night- nothing more. Brief but friendly responses were all that was shared between them for two or three minutes until finally she said, "Well enjoy your afternoon ... I can't wait to see you. Love you too. Bye."

I have a hunch that, even though her back was to me, she was smiling the whole rest of the way to Rauch.

There was a lot of crap running through my head the day that I saw this. My presentation, my last finance midterm grade, the systems project, the IBE paper, playing for Vespers- the list goes on. Not to say that I wasn't happy or that I was overly stressed, just that my mind was fully occupied (and running on less than an optimal amount of sleep). But hearing that conversation, seeing that connection for just a few minutes in time, and really witnessing just pure contentment, excitement, and happiness between two people ... it was beautiful.

Anyway, here's to yet another quick reminder that sometimes all that other stuff might not be so important, after all.

And ... here's to love.


For now, I'm off to Christmas Vespers. Wish me luck.

Decisions

In a rare move for me, I've actually made several decisions in the last couple weeks that will affect my scheduling for the rest of my time at Lehigh. None of them were particularly difficult, and they all had to do with extra-curricular activities and stuff along those lines, but I'm still happy with the fact that I've put thought into something and actually come to a conclusion. My usual response to a decision is typically to put it off until the last minute (such as applying to Lehigh ... in May) and let things take as natural of a course as possible. That system isn't without its faults, but so far it hasn't done me wrong. I ended up at a college I love in a very strong program, surrounded by friends and partipating in activities I enjoy. There's little else I could possibly ask for from life, as usual.

The decisions I've made are three-fold. As I considered them, they seemed mutually exclusive and thus forced me to decide between one of two ways to go in terms of spending my time during the next three semesters.

My first option, although it was pretty far-fetched, was to apply for a Head Gryphon position for senior year. For obvious and not-so-obvious reasons alike, this is clearly not the right choice for me or (more importantly) for whatever staff and residents I may be put in charge of. All that is, of course, assuming I would even get selected if I did apply (an outcome which is considerably unlikely). Putting that doubt aside, I did discuss the idea with current HG's and weigh what the extra work and extra benefits would mean. The extra work would mean significantly more time being spent on gryphoning than I ever have, being in charge of entire buildings and a staff, and generally taking it upon myself to really devote myself to this job. Not that I'm not already devoted, but the extra time and effort would be sizable. In terms of benefits, I'd be able to extend myself into the Lehigh administration more, do more work for the campus and its students, and contribute more to the University as a whole. I'd also be paid more and be able to put "Head Gryphon" on my resume.

My decision came down to simple time and priorities ... my academic work and other extra-curriculars seem to be well balanced with regular gryphoning right here in Trembley. Going into senior year and hoping to continue doing well, it'd be best for everyone involved if I remained in a capacity where I could work as a Gryphon but still maintain most of my time for classes and other organizations. No Head Gryphoning for me.

The path I've decided to follow, and the choice about which I'm happier, is to devote more time to musical endeavors starting in the Spring. With my chops finally healed to a level where I can play well and often (although drum corps is out of the question), it's almost as though I re-discovered how much I truly love music this semester. After all the emotional stuff that happened in the first half of this Fall and how shaken up I was, practicing and performing were always what calmed me down and helped bring focus back into my day. Playing trombone and making music alongside friends has been one of the passions of my life for more than a decade now; I honestly can't imagine the day when I'll have to put the horn down for good. I love it, pure and simple.

To go through with this decision to spend more time on music, I've therefore chosen to take up two new pursuits starting next semester. First off, if I receive a bid again this year, I'm going to accept it for Kappa Kappa Psi (national band fraternity). By this point I basically know every active member of the Lehigh Chapter, they do a lot for the music program, and the organization would allow me to give back to Lehigh in a way I haven't before. What's even better is that they seem to have a good amount of fun doing it, too. We'll see when bids come out what happens, but for now I'm optimistic.

The other decision for music involves something I've wanted to do ever since I left The Cadets. In the last year and a half I've had this hankering to be able to take what I've learned about music in the last ten years and actually share it with someone else- to give lessons or teach in whatever capacity I could. Up till now I've declined volunteer teaching offers on the basis of lack of time ... but enough of that. My Fridays in the Spring are almost completely open (one class 8-9 AM), so that's not even an excuse anymore. Starting in January or February, then, I'm hoping to take a friend up on an offer to give volunteer lessons at a local middle school. I really have no idea what I'll be in for (I've never taught anyone outside of correcting a wrong note from the guy sitting next to me), but it's the best chance I have right now to feel out the water on the whole idea. Who knows- I might just sell some middle school brass players on drum corps.

So that's how it's going to go from here on out ... schoolwork, regular gryphoning, wind ensemble, teaching, being an officer with NSCS, and taking part in an assortment of other organizations to fill out my schedule.

Nice.

Last Monday

It's the last Monday of the semester. I'm currently getting ready for an IBE group meeting, after which I'm going to study for the ME 21 Lab Final. Supposedly it's pretty easy (and I'm hoping most of the class just blows it off), but laziness is no reason to botch a final and end up with a B- in a 1-credit lab. Ignorance and apathy, sure, but not laziness.

By the way, it's time for a shameless plug ... if you're planning on attending Vespers on Sunday (Dec. 10), listen for the baritone solo at the beginning of the recessional. If it sounds good, that's me, if not- it's someone else.

My feelings have been pretty up and down lately, for reasons that are somewhat easy to pinpoint. One minute I'll be happy-go-lucky, joking, and in a great mood. I'll then hear something, get all sad, and start doubting myself again. It's exceedingly immature and not something I'm proud of- being this moody- but when it comes to certain topics of conversation it seems like I just can't help it. And to make it worse, I'm the one who keeps bringing up this stuff and trying to glean more information out of people to satisfy my own interest. If I were smart, I'd back up, try to put things in a reasonable light, realize the truth, and stop.

Then again, nobody ever said I was smart ... and what's life without something to yearn for, however unlikely?

Just gotta take a deep breath, focus, and get it out of my head for now. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, there's a lab final to slam like a car door, and that's happening tomorrow. Godspeed.



"He only employs his passion who can make no use of his reason."
-M. Cicero