From Mr. P. Opus
Goodbye, Thursday bagels in Rauch.
Goodbye, lectures with Costa.
Goodbye, WE rehearsals with Barthol, complete with happy hour.
Goodbye, Jueves in all its glory and majestic wonder.
Goodbye, 4th floor lab of Packard.
Goodbye, Aspen Plus models and report for Levy.
Goodbye, John Dalmas and Team Ximax.
Goodbye, 305 1/2 Van Buren St.
Goodbye, Robby, JT, Dwayne, and the other boarders of Casa de Shithole.
Goodbye, walks from Summit Street.
Goodbye, community service and apologies to Residential Life.
Goodbye, Gryphon training and lip sync victories.
Goodbye, pimp-daddies J.R. Aronson and R. Weisman.
Goodbye, big bad Bobby Storer and Stevie Buell, the artful dodger.
Goodbye, dinners in Rathbone with Tabin, Tom, and Michelle.
Goodbye, rounds in Brodhead with friends to stave away the ghosts.
Goodbye, Tits the Cat.
Goodbye, Olimar, Mario, Link, and Barefoot.
Goodbye, s'mores, woodchuck, and 4-6-7.
Goodbye, man training.
Goodbye, 305 1/2 Van Buren Street.
Goodbye, MacGrady's.
Goodbye, bears leaping down the steps of Mohler Labs.
Goodbye, drives to drum corps with Dad.
Goodbye, Gang.
Goodbye, sunrise over campus.
Goodbye, sunrise over Bethlehem.
Goodbye, those of you I've wronged.
Goodbye, those of you who were my heroes.
Goodbye, those of you who helped me so much.
Goodbye, those of you I love.
Goodbye, place where I first learned I couldn't help but love you.
Goodbye, place where I learned what I was made of.
Goodbye, Maura, Shelly, Josh, Graham, Barthol, Jim, Rob, Robby, JT, Dwayne, Amanda, Mark, John, Nick, Rich, Suenee, Bridget, Anthony, Mandy, Chris, Tom, Michelle, Tabin, Bruner, Sarah, Brittany, Leo, Trent, Erik, Christy, Gary, Dan, Rachel, Kirstin, Ali, Christine, Liz, Tanya, Eileen, Emily, Jamie, Grant, Sherman, Jen, Libby, Melissa, Pam ...
Goodbye, me.
And goodbye, Lehigh ... you were wonderful.
September 08, 2009
September 07, 2009
Monomyth
"For those who have not refused the call, the first encounter of the herojourney is with a protective figure ... who provides the adventurer with amulets against the dragon forces he is about to pass. What such a figure represents is the benign, protecting power of destiny. The fantasy is a reassurance ... [that] protective power is always and ever present within or just behind the unfamiliar features of the world. One has only to know and trust, and the ageless guardians will appear. Having responded to his own call, and continuing to follow courageously as the consequences unfold, the hero finds all the forces of the unconscious at his side."
-Joseph Campbell
I handed in my thesis to the department chair, thanked him, and walked out of his office. I passed through the halls of Packard Lab as I had countless times before. Descending a staircase, I turned left, which was the opposite direction from where I wanted to go. I never could figure out which way I was facing when I was inside that building. Ironically, time and space had always seemed to take on a different meaning in the building devoted to developing human mastery over them.
As I realized my mistake in direction, I turned around to find Professor Hart. A former jet pilot and astronaut, Hart was easily one of the most genuine, humble, and helpful faculty members at Lehigh. Taken together, those qualities and experiences made him seem nothing less than supernatural to us. Even without the space flight, though, I imagine we would have at least thought of him as one of the few "cool" professors to be found in our field.
"How goes it, Jeremy?"
"Pretty good ... just turned in my thesis, now I'm making preparations to go to Kentucky to start work."
"Air Products? They're lucky to have you. You're a great student, and you're going to be a great engineer very soon. Just do what you're best at."
"Thanks ... but what's that?"
"Work hard."
We said goodbye and I turned to head outside again. The feelings I had initially experienced after handing in my thesis- relief and exultation- were replaced with something less instinctual. In retrospect, the conclusion I came to reach was obvious, but it was something that simply I hadn't thought of before.
There are a lot more people who believe in me than I'd ever realized.
I sincerely doubt I'll be a maintenance engineer for the next 40 years. I doubt I'll work at this company, or even be an engineer, for half that long. But what I will do in Kentucky is become the best new hire they've ever seen. I'll do what I do best. I'll work hard ... to make options to choose from for the future.
I cross the first threshold in a few days. Wish me luck.
"For those who have not refused the call, the first encounter of the herojourney is with a protective figure ... who provides the adventurer with amulets against the dragon forces he is about to pass. What such a figure represents is the benign, protecting power of destiny. The fantasy is a reassurance ... [that] protective power is always and ever present within or just behind the unfamiliar features of the world. One has only to know and trust, and the ageless guardians will appear. Having responded to his own call, and continuing to follow courageously as the consequences unfold, the hero finds all the forces of the unconscious at his side."
-Joseph Campbell
I handed in my thesis to the department chair, thanked him, and walked out of his office. I passed through the halls of Packard Lab as I had countless times before. Descending a staircase, I turned left, which was the opposite direction from where I wanted to go. I never could figure out which way I was facing when I was inside that building. Ironically, time and space had always seemed to take on a different meaning in the building devoted to developing human mastery over them.
As I realized my mistake in direction, I turned around to find Professor Hart. A former jet pilot and astronaut, Hart was easily one of the most genuine, humble, and helpful faculty members at Lehigh. Taken together, those qualities and experiences made him seem nothing less than supernatural to us. Even without the space flight, though, I imagine we would have at least thought of him as one of the few "cool" professors to be found in our field.
"How goes it, Jeremy?"
"Pretty good ... just turned in my thesis, now I'm making preparations to go to Kentucky to start work."
"Air Products? They're lucky to have you. You're a great student, and you're going to be a great engineer very soon. Just do what you're best at."
"Thanks ... but what's that?"
"Work hard."
We said goodbye and I turned to head outside again. The feelings I had initially experienced after handing in my thesis- relief and exultation- were replaced with something less instinctual. In retrospect, the conclusion I came to reach was obvious, but it was something that simply I hadn't thought of before.
There are a lot more people who believe in me than I'd ever realized.
I sincerely doubt I'll be a maintenance engineer for the next 40 years. I doubt I'll work at this company, or even be an engineer, for half that long. But what I will do in Kentucky is become the best new hire they've ever seen. I'll do what I do best. I'll work hard ... to make options to choose from for the future.
I cross the first threshold in a few days. Wish me luck.
August 15, 2009
West
I look back at myself five years ago, entering college, and I kinda laugh.
Borderline neurotic. Desperate. Yearning to prove. And most importantly, most poignantly, most depressingly ... afraid. Absolutely scared to death. Of what?
The whole world.
What if I couldn't do it? What if I didn't make friends? What if I lost her? What if I let my parents down? What would I do with my life? What would I do day to day?
All I wanted was reassurance. If I could have found some way to stay in my comfort zone where I could control everything, I dare say I would have. But what would have been the point of that?
Fear has been the source of all my regrets and mistakes. Fear of disapproval, fear of failure, fear of new things. Fear of loss ... that's probably the worst one. I fear losing things that I'm not even all that attached to, let alone the things I actually love. Nothing gets solved by giving in to that fear, though. Usually acting out of that fear results in more heartache, more sadness, and more regret.
I leave Lehigh and go west in one month. I'm still afraid of some things, but it's very different now. Here, I think I actually learned things worth knowing. Acting out of fear leads to horrible results. I'm capable of overcoming extremely difficult obstacles. Life will continue regardless of what happens, so you better keep going. Most importantly ... optimism and hope count. You can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. All you can do is work for the things that are important to you and not stop.
For now, I'm working to kick off this career thing. I'm working to get out of here on time. I'm working to make it through the year with you far away. I'm working to make sure I stay in touch with family more. I'm working to make new friends and enjoy new experiences. I'm working to keep a sense of humor.
Kentucky, here I come.
I look back at myself five years ago, entering college, and I kinda laugh.
Borderline neurotic. Desperate. Yearning to prove. And most importantly, most poignantly, most depressingly ... afraid. Absolutely scared to death. Of what?
The whole world.
What if I couldn't do it? What if I didn't make friends? What if I lost her? What if I let my parents down? What would I do with my life? What would I do day to day?
All I wanted was reassurance. If I could have found some way to stay in my comfort zone where I could control everything, I dare say I would have. But what would have been the point of that?
Fear has been the source of all my regrets and mistakes. Fear of disapproval, fear of failure, fear of new things. Fear of loss ... that's probably the worst one. I fear losing things that I'm not even all that attached to, let alone the things I actually love. Nothing gets solved by giving in to that fear, though. Usually acting out of that fear results in more heartache, more sadness, and more regret.
I leave Lehigh and go west in one month. I'm still afraid of some things, but it's very different now. Here, I think I actually learned things worth knowing. Acting out of fear leads to horrible results. I'm capable of overcoming extremely difficult obstacles. Life will continue regardless of what happens, so you better keep going. Most importantly ... optimism and hope count. You can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. All you can do is work for the things that are important to you and not stop.
For now, I'm working to kick off this career thing. I'm working to get out of here on time. I'm working to make it through the year with you far away. I'm working to make sure I stay in touch with family more. I'm working to make new friends and enjoy new experiences. I'm working to keep a sense of humor.
Kentucky, here I come.
July 31, 2009
Years Ago Today
From 11:59 PM of Thursday, July 30th
One year ago today, I was at 226 Warren Square, enjoying a Jueves event.
Two years ago today, I was in Salisbury, Maryland working on a hydrogen plant for Air Products.
Three years ago today, I was sitting at home in Jersey after a day of not working at Lockheed Martin.
Four years ago today, I was rehearsing with the Cadets at West Chester University.
Five years ago today, I was working in the liquor department at Genuardi's.
From 11:59 PM of Thursday, July 30th
One year ago today, I was at 226 Warren Square, enjoying a Jueves event.
Two years ago today, I was in Salisbury, Maryland working on a hydrogen plant for Air Products.
Three years ago today, I was sitting at home in Jersey after a day of not working at Lockheed Martin.
Four years ago today, I was rehearsing with the Cadets at West Chester University.
Five years ago today, I was working in the liquor department at Genuardi's.
April 23, 2009
A Symphonious New World
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ENf4VEhI40&feature=related
I hear this piece and I think of change. All life is transition ... and it's okay to be afraid of it. It's okay to lament the passing of things you know and the farewells of friends you love. It's even okay to not want the change to happen at all. The most important thing is that you just keep going.
I'll write more on this later, but as I sit here in this engineering laboratory and look out over the campus, seeing the trees bloom, feeling the wind blow through the window, hearing Dvorak ...
Goodbye, Lehigh. You've been truly magnificent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ENf4VEhI40&feature=related
I hear this piece and I think of change. All life is transition ... and it's okay to be afraid of it. It's okay to lament the passing of things you know and the farewells of friends you love. It's even okay to not want the change to happen at all. The most important thing is that you just keep going.
I'll write more on this later, but as I sit here in this engineering laboratory and look out over the campus, seeing the trees bloom, feeling the wind blow through the window, hearing Dvorak ...
Goodbye, Lehigh. You've been truly magnificent.
March 23, 2009
March 19, 2009
By the Stars in the Sky
I'm sitting in class right now learning about metal deformation. As this lecture has gone on, I haven't been able to think about anything but how little I want to be in this lecture. It's astounding what a pittance of interest I have in anything being discussed or its application to my future career. Should I know about metal forging? Yeah, I'm about to be a real engineer. I should probably know something about the characteristics and issues inherent to metal forging, however boring they may be.
The thing is, I just don't want to. I just don't care. If my job someday is to determine how to optimize a metal forging process and stare at this all day, I might just freak out. Strike that- I will freak out.
Some aspects of engineering intrigue me, I guess. The transformation of energy from chemical bonds in coal to moving electrons in wire is fascinating. The way the body works astounds me every time I talk to a biology major (assuming the body does represent an engineering problem). The majority of it, though ... process engineering, manufacturing, design ... they're just so bland. So vanilla. So utterly pallid and unexciting in every respect.
Part of me thinks I should just man up and take advantage of the opportunities I've earned. The grass is always greener, right? Maybe if I were a finance major I'd wish I'd pursued engineering. Maybe I'd be lamenting my immediate future running wealth management and spreadsheets for the next few years. People work to live ... work isn't supposed to be fun. So few people really enjoy their jobs, they just DO their jobs. The job I have waiting for me pays well at a good company and offers me a stable jump-off point into my future. Is disinterest really enough for me to justify not wanting to be there?
The other part of me, though, says that there's too much time left in my life to settle now. In reality, I could quit this graduate program immediately, take the money I have, and head out anywhere in the world. I could be in New Zealand in three days, searching for some shitty job and a cheap place to live for a while. I'd meet new people and experience a new land. Who knows where I'd end up from there?
Am I just resisting the inexorable pull of the real world? The grind and endless tedium that everyone promises in the world of white collar work? Do I tremble at this point, on the very edge of the next part of my life, struggling atop a precipice upon which I cannot balance for much longer?
Everyone else seems so cool, calm, and collected about the future. Sometimes I wonder if you all look out upon the next time of your life and want to scream as loudly and desperately as I do. Am I (as usual) overthinking the whole of my prospects? It's natural to resist change. It's natural to doubt some choices you make for fear of their inherent opportunity cost. The cost of what you do includes the value of what you don't do. I'm probably just overthinking all of this, should relax and go with the flow.
Back to this lecture for now ... but Lord almighty, this shit is boring.
"Learning is painful. You can't learn unless you experience pain. If you remain entirely comfortable during the learning process, you haven't gained anything at all."
-Professor Stephen Snyder
Damn right when it comes to metal forging. Ugh.
Happy Jueves.
I'm sitting in class right now learning about metal deformation. As this lecture has gone on, I haven't been able to think about anything but how little I want to be in this lecture. It's astounding what a pittance of interest I have in anything being discussed or its application to my future career. Should I know about metal forging? Yeah, I'm about to be a real engineer. I should probably know something about the characteristics and issues inherent to metal forging, however boring they may be.
The thing is, I just don't want to. I just don't care. If my job someday is to determine how to optimize a metal forging process and stare at this all day, I might just freak out. Strike that- I will freak out.
Some aspects of engineering intrigue me, I guess. The transformation of energy from chemical bonds in coal to moving electrons in wire is fascinating. The way the body works astounds me every time I talk to a biology major (assuming the body does represent an engineering problem). The majority of it, though ... process engineering, manufacturing, design ... they're just so bland. So vanilla. So utterly pallid and unexciting in every respect.
Part of me thinks I should just man up and take advantage of the opportunities I've earned. The grass is always greener, right? Maybe if I were a finance major I'd wish I'd pursued engineering. Maybe I'd be lamenting my immediate future running wealth management and spreadsheets for the next few years. People work to live ... work isn't supposed to be fun. So few people really enjoy their jobs, they just DO their jobs. The job I have waiting for me pays well at a good company and offers me a stable jump-off point into my future. Is disinterest really enough for me to justify not wanting to be there?
The other part of me, though, says that there's too much time left in my life to settle now. In reality, I could quit this graduate program immediately, take the money I have, and head out anywhere in the world. I could be in New Zealand in three days, searching for some shitty job and a cheap place to live for a while. I'd meet new people and experience a new land. Who knows where I'd end up from there?
Am I just resisting the inexorable pull of the real world? The grind and endless tedium that everyone promises in the world of white collar work? Do I tremble at this point, on the very edge of the next part of my life, struggling atop a precipice upon which I cannot balance for much longer?
Everyone else seems so cool, calm, and collected about the future. Sometimes I wonder if you all look out upon the next time of your life and want to scream as loudly and desperately as I do. Am I (as usual) overthinking the whole of my prospects? It's natural to resist change. It's natural to doubt some choices you make for fear of their inherent opportunity cost. The cost of what you do includes the value of what you don't do. I'm probably just overthinking all of this, should relax and go with the flow.
Back to this lecture for now ... but Lord almighty, this shit is boring.
"Learning is painful. You can't learn unless you experience pain. If you remain entirely comfortable during the learning process, you haven't gained anything at all."
-Professor Stephen Snyder
Damn right when it comes to metal forging. Ugh.
Happy Jueves.
March 17, 2009
End of the Universe
"You do this all the damn time."
"Yeah, I know."
"If you know, why do you do it? Why do you keep doing this, thinking this way?"
"It's my nature."
"You treat every fucking situation like it could result in the end of the universe. You finally broke that shit for your work ... do you know how annoying that was?"
"You've let me know repeatedly."
"I mean, you can't really be happy that way, can you? Putting all that stress on your shoulders for regular everyday events? Most people live life as a sequence of everyday events. You live it like a fucking soap opera."
"I've been working on it."
"Well work on it a little harder. What do you think, if you fuck something up people will stop loving you? Like your worth will be out the window? I've got bad news ... you're human, jackass. Humans screw up. Humans aren't good at everything. In fact, most humans would love to be really good at something, anything."
"I guess that's part of it. My self-worth is all tied up in what I do and how well I do it. It used to just be work. It's kinda spilling all over the place now. I thought I'd gotten better."
"You can't assume you've changed so much so quickly. You really can't. You stopped putting that pressure on yourself with your work because you realized you don't like your field and you're burned out. It's very easy for you to rationalize from there and be proud for not freaking out. At the end of the day, though, you haven't come so far yet."
"So it would seem."
"Could you do me a favor, then? Realize something. Realize it right now. The people in your life who love you- family, friends, everyone- they love you for who you are and what you mean to them. They don't love you for what you do. Right now you love yourself for what you do. What you should love yourself for is the love you make in this world through those family and friends who matter so much. You're not perfect, and you never will be, but you get so damn wrapped up in trying to be that you lose sight of what matters."
"What do I do?"
"Let go. Just fucking let go of all that angst, all that fear, all that pressure. I don't know how; it's different for everyone. Maybe talk about it. Be more open. Think happy thoughts. Write it all out. Tell yourself that it's okay. Do whatever you need to do to get down the road without thinking that the fate of your family, your lover, or your future is on the line all the time. Have a little faith in them and a little faith in yourself."
"I'll try."
"Good. And when you try, try without putting pressure on yourself to try. Just exist and go with the damn flow. I promise the people in your life will appreciate it."
"You do this all the damn time."
"Yeah, I know."
"If you know, why do you do it? Why do you keep doing this, thinking this way?"
"It's my nature."
"You treat every fucking situation like it could result in the end of the universe. You finally broke that shit for your work ... do you know how annoying that was?"
"You've let me know repeatedly."
"I mean, you can't really be happy that way, can you? Putting all that stress on your shoulders for regular everyday events? Most people live life as a sequence of everyday events. You live it like a fucking soap opera."
"I've been working on it."
"Well work on it a little harder. What do you think, if you fuck something up people will stop loving you? Like your worth will be out the window? I've got bad news ... you're human, jackass. Humans screw up. Humans aren't good at everything. In fact, most humans would love to be really good at something, anything."
"I guess that's part of it. My self-worth is all tied up in what I do and how well I do it. It used to just be work. It's kinda spilling all over the place now. I thought I'd gotten better."
"You can't assume you've changed so much so quickly. You really can't. You stopped putting that pressure on yourself with your work because you realized you don't like your field and you're burned out. It's very easy for you to rationalize from there and be proud for not freaking out. At the end of the day, though, you haven't come so far yet."
"So it would seem."
"Could you do me a favor, then? Realize something. Realize it right now. The people in your life who love you- family, friends, everyone- they love you for who you are and what you mean to them. They don't love you for what you do. Right now you love yourself for what you do. What you should love yourself for is the love you make in this world through those family and friends who matter so much. You're not perfect, and you never will be, but you get so damn wrapped up in trying to be that you lose sight of what matters."
"What do I do?"
"Let go. Just fucking let go of all that angst, all that fear, all that pressure. I don't know how; it's different for everyone. Maybe talk about it. Be more open. Think happy thoughts. Write it all out. Tell yourself that it's okay. Do whatever you need to do to get down the road without thinking that the fate of your family, your lover, or your future is on the line all the time. Have a little faith in them and a little faith in yourself."
"I'll try."
"Good. And when you try, try without putting pressure on yourself to try. Just exist and go with the damn flow. I promise the people in your life will appreciate it."
February 27, 2009
February 16, 2009
Beautiful Morning
The reality of things is that no one really knows anything except how they feel. How they feel about their work, how they feel about their life, how they feel about the people in it. All things are a matter of perception. All things are gray at best, or maybe an infinite amalgam of colors, different to each and every person who sees them.
My parents only ever had three rules when it came to growing up. In no order, these rules included being a good person, providing for your family, and being happy. If my brother and I could do those things, then my parents would have done a good job in their own minds. There was no required job we had to pursue, no salary we had to earn in order to show our worth. Happiness, integrity, and love were all we were ever supposed to achieve. The rest was superfluous at best.
Earlier in my life- up until very recently- I thought there had to be more. I thought that achievement was more than this short list of virtues. And of course it is ... but it isn't. Not really. What more could one achieve in life except for those things? Is there a greater calling out there than the love of your family? Is there a better way to achieve happiness than in the arms of someone you love? Is there anything more rewarding than seeing gratitude in someone's eyes?
There is no right or wrong answer to the question of life. If you believe in my parents' rules, there can't be. All we have are the people around us and the innate qualities that make us who we are. And if you can find in yourself the things you need- courage, perseverance, hope, faith, love- and you act on those things ... I need to believe that we'll all be okay. We'll all make it.
At the end of the day, I guess we can really want for nothing more than a warm home, someone to wake up beside and fall in love with every morning, and the excitement that comes from the truth of living. The truth that there is no truth. You can't predict who you'll meet or where you'll go anymore than you can predict which way the wind will blow. The best you can hope for is to rely on your own feelings, your own perception, and never stop striving for the things that matter.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise ... but what a beautiful morning we already have today.
The reality of things is that no one really knows anything except how they feel. How they feel about their work, how they feel about their life, how they feel about the people in it. All things are a matter of perception. All things are gray at best, or maybe an infinite amalgam of colors, different to each and every person who sees them.
My parents only ever had three rules when it came to growing up. In no order, these rules included being a good person, providing for your family, and being happy. If my brother and I could do those things, then my parents would have done a good job in their own minds. There was no required job we had to pursue, no salary we had to earn in order to show our worth. Happiness, integrity, and love were all we were ever supposed to achieve. The rest was superfluous at best.
Earlier in my life- up until very recently- I thought there had to be more. I thought that achievement was more than this short list of virtues. And of course it is ... but it isn't. Not really. What more could one achieve in life except for those things? Is there a greater calling out there than the love of your family? Is there a better way to achieve happiness than in the arms of someone you love? Is there anything more rewarding than seeing gratitude in someone's eyes?
There is no right or wrong answer to the question of life. If you believe in my parents' rules, there can't be. All we have are the people around us and the innate qualities that make us who we are. And if you can find in yourself the things you need- courage, perseverance, hope, faith, love- and you act on those things ... I need to believe that we'll all be okay. We'll all make it.
At the end of the day, I guess we can really want for nothing more than a warm home, someone to wake up beside and fall in love with every morning, and the excitement that comes from the truth of living. The truth that there is no truth. You can't predict who you'll meet or where you'll go anymore than you can predict which way the wind will blow. The best you can hope for is to rely on your own feelings, your own perception, and never stop striving for the things that matter.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise ... but what a beautiful morning we already have today.
February 11, 2009
February 09, 2009
February 05, 2009
Timing
Does it count as sacrifice if you choose the thing which would bring you the most happiness? At best, it must be a weighted scale, assuming you have wants that are comparable to each other in importance.
You value doing well at your work, and you value spending time with those you love. If you must choose one over the other, are you sacrificing? The answer is "yes" if your overall utility is not maximized. So says basic economics. What if, based on your extraordinarily single-minded thought process, your priorities become narrower as time goes on? What if your needs become focused entirely upon what you lack, and shift as you lack different things?
Sometimes I find myself a slave to my wants. Right now, these wants do not include the work I do, the classes I teach, or the music I play. My priorities have shifted ... and I can't help but think it is because timing has shifted, as well. That is the one constant we have, isn't it? That's what makes it so important, I guess. Work will always be there. Music is a kind mistress to which one can always return. But these other things ... these time dependent chances and hopes of mine ... they get to me. Engulf me. Drive me.
I have ever been an opportunist; I should like to think in the positive sense. I will jump to tackle something early so as to secure it. In academics and professional endeavors, this policy for action has always served me well. Now, as time marches on, it seems I watch as opportunities drift at the same speed. What is most painful is that I find myself powerless to act. To be told that what you want is not available, not yet ... that what you want lies just out of your grasp ... I'm not sure there is a worse condemnation for those who are as goal-oriented as I am. Those who would lay down everything they have for what they want ... to be told that everything they have is not enough, because that is not what is required? The only thing required is ... time? Something which I have ever been loathe to give? Which tortures me when I see it passing by and I do nothing?
It's the same reason I hate traveling sometimes. Confined to a vehicle, to sit still as the world moves by ... torture. Sacrifice.
I suppose it's time I learn patience. If only I did not find myself so ill-suited to the task. I'm one to rely on my resources, my faculties, my experience, and immediately turn what I would like to my desires. Again, in work this breeds success. With people- friendships, relationships, love?- there is so much more to it. Simple ability and desire are not enough. Timing ... it counts as much if not more.
The whole thing is frustrating, grueling, damn excruciating. It's a skill I was never forced to develop as time went on.
So for now ... I wait. I wait, and I hope. That's the worst part of this waiting, this sacrifice for time, I think. Something you can ensure and guarantee now, today, this hour- is there risk in that? If there is, it's minimal. You get back what you put in almost immediately. When you're forced to wait ... you have to invest yourself and hope for the return. The risk is exponentially, infinitely higher than it would be in the tangible planes of toil and exertion.
I know the importance of timing. Absolutely, I do. I also know the importance of patience, and the greater value something can have when one is forced to wait for it to happen.
So for now ... I bide my time. I do my work. I continue fulfilling the Faustian bargain to which I've signed my name. I plan for the tangible, definite sides of my future. Aside from that?
I wait. I burn.
I hope.
Does it count as sacrifice if you choose the thing which would bring you the most happiness? At best, it must be a weighted scale, assuming you have wants that are comparable to each other in importance.
You value doing well at your work, and you value spending time with those you love. If you must choose one over the other, are you sacrificing? The answer is "yes" if your overall utility is not maximized. So says basic economics. What if, based on your extraordinarily single-minded thought process, your priorities become narrower as time goes on? What if your needs become focused entirely upon what you lack, and shift as you lack different things?
Sometimes I find myself a slave to my wants. Right now, these wants do not include the work I do, the classes I teach, or the music I play. My priorities have shifted ... and I can't help but think it is because timing has shifted, as well. That is the one constant we have, isn't it? That's what makes it so important, I guess. Work will always be there. Music is a kind mistress to which one can always return. But these other things ... these time dependent chances and hopes of mine ... they get to me. Engulf me. Drive me.
I have ever been an opportunist; I should like to think in the positive sense. I will jump to tackle something early so as to secure it. In academics and professional endeavors, this policy for action has always served me well. Now, as time marches on, it seems I watch as opportunities drift at the same speed. What is most painful is that I find myself powerless to act. To be told that what you want is not available, not yet ... that what you want lies just out of your grasp ... I'm not sure there is a worse condemnation for those who are as goal-oriented as I am. Those who would lay down everything they have for what they want ... to be told that everything they have is not enough, because that is not what is required? The only thing required is ... time? Something which I have ever been loathe to give? Which tortures me when I see it passing by and I do nothing?
It's the same reason I hate traveling sometimes. Confined to a vehicle, to sit still as the world moves by ... torture. Sacrifice.
I suppose it's time I learn patience. If only I did not find myself so ill-suited to the task. I'm one to rely on my resources, my faculties, my experience, and immediately turn what I would like to my desires. Again, in work this breeds success. With people- friendships, relationships, love?- there is so much more to it. Simple ability and desire are not enough. Timing ... it counts as much if not more.
The whole thing is frustrating, grueling, damn excruciating. It's a skill I was never forced to develop as time went on.
So for now ... I wait. I wait, and I hope. That's the worst part of this waiting, this sacrifice for time, I think. Something you can ensure and guarantee now, today, this hour- is there risk in that? If there is, it's minimal. You get back what you put in almost immediately. When you're forced to wait ... you have to invest yourself and hope for the return. The risk is exponentially, infinitely higher than it would be in the tangible planes of toil and exertion.
I know the importance of timing. Absolutely, I do. I also know the importance of patience, and the greater value something can have when one is forced to wait for it to happen.
So for now ... I bide my time. I do my work. I continue fulfilling the Faustian bargain to which I've signed my name. I plan for the tangible, definite sides of my future. Aside from that?
I wait. I burn.
I hope.
February 01, 2009
Learning
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-T.H. White, The Once and Future King
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-T.H. White, The Once and Future King
January 30, 2009
Different Take
I love the Christopher Nolan interpretation of the Batman canon, but in truth it only represents one of a myriad of different versions. The preview below shows what appears to be an entirely different but equally masterful take on the Dark Knight and his archenemy. The style is brighter, the mood more suited to a graphic novel, and the characters worked into different but similar personas ... but the heart of the Bat is still there.
Batman: Arkham Asylum
This is the type of game that makes me wonder about investing in a 360 or PS3. Mmm ...
Also- bonus points to anyone who can identify who does the Joker's voice in this game. He never fails to impress.
I love the Christopher Nolan interpretation of the Batman canon, but in truth it only represents one of a myriad of different versions. The preview below shows what appears to be an entirely different but equally masterful take on the Dark Knight and his archenemy. The style is brighter, the mood more suited to a graphic novel, and the characters worked into different but similar personas ... but the heart of the Bat is still there.
Batman: Arkham Asylum
This is the type of game that makes me wonder about investing in a 360 or PS3. Mmm ...
Also- bonus points to anyone who can identify who does the Joker's voice in this game. He never fails to impress.
January 20, 2009
Sondheim
Below are the lyrics to "Being Alive," the closing number of the Sondheim musical "Company." It's about a bachelor (Robert) turning 35 whose friends throw him a surprise birthday party. All ten of the friends in attendance are in couples in various stages of life and marriage. The show itself is a collection of scenes offered in no particular chronological order. They show the nature of Robert's love life, as well as his past loves and feelings on commitment. Through the scenes, each of the couples also shows the qualities of their marriage and their own feelings on love.
The bottom line of the show is that Robert is the consummate best friend to all of those in attendance, but has never pursued serious love. There's always something in his way- usually, his own feelings. The song below is his confession/realization of what he's never had. I've only included Robert's lyrics, not the side lyrics from the other characters. Also, notice the change in phrasing immediately following the first refrain.
It's pretty damn moving.
Robert: Stop!...What do you get?
Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.
Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.
Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!
Below are the lyrics to "Being Alive," the closing number of the Sondheim musical "Company." It's about a bachelor (Robert) turning 35 whose friends throw him a surprise birthday party. All ten of the friends in attendance are in couples in various stages of life and marriage. The show itself is a collection of scenes offered in no particular chronological order. They show the nature of Robert's love life, as well as his past loves and feelings on commitment. Through the scenes, each of the couples also shows the qualities of their marriage and their own feelings on love.
The bottom line of the show is that Robert is the consummate best friend to all of those in attendance, but has never pursued serious love. There's always something in his way- usually, his own feelings. The song below is his confession/realization of what he's never had. I've only included Robert's lyrics, not the side lyrics from the other characters. Also, notice the change in phrasing immediately following the first refrain.
It's pretty damn moving.
Robert: Stop!...What do you get?
Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.
Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.
Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!
January 14, 2009
Choose Your Own Adventure
"You find yourself standing between an Old Navy and a liquor store. You require pajama pants and jager. A cold breeze blows from the west, accenting the bleak and lonesome darkness around you. In the distance, a wolf howls.
You weigh your options carefully. What would be worse, more incriminating, more ridiculous? Walking through Old Navy with jager, or walking through the liquor store with pajama pants?
A screech from over the horizon reminds you that time is growing short. The raptors have picked up your scent, and you would rather not feel the sting of their javelins again.
What will you do?"
If you decide to go to the liquor store, turn to page 93.
If you decide to go to Old Navy, turn to page 135.
... my life is a farce sometimes.
"You find yourself standing between an Old Navy and a liquor store. You require pajama pants and jager. A cold breeze blows from the west, accenting the bleak and lonesome darkness around you. In the distance, a wolf howls.
You weigh your options carefully. What would be worse, more incriminating, more ridiculous? Walking through Old Navy with jager, or walking through the liquor store with pajama pants?
A screech from over the horizon reminds you that time is growing short. The raptors have picked up your scent, and you would rather not feel the sting of their javelins again.
What will you do?"
If you decide to go to the liquor store, turn to page 93.
If you decide to go to Old Navy, turn to page 135.
... my life is a farce sometimes.
January 07, 2009
2008
I'll say this ... I learned a lot in 2008. Whether it was about myself, other people, or life in general, I think I can safely say I found out some shit. The bad news is that it hurt like hell to learn most of it; the good news is that the hurt means I won't easily forget any of it.
A plan has been set, lasting from now until September 2010. This coming September I'll be moving to Allentown in order to start my work at Air Products. I'll spend at least a year at HQ there before I get assigned to a new rotation, which could range from China to somewhere in the US to down the hall. The choice of where I go will be determined by a number of factors, some in my control and some not. Time will tell.
My education has worked itself out pretty nicely ... you could probably say I did what I do. Five years, three degrees, no debt. Two publications and a year of teaching. Dual programs. All of that combined into a skill I ended up not exploring in any capacity at all- namely, selling myself for a job. Odd, given my personality.
I'm not sure if the choice to go to Air Products was truly out of love for the company or a case of barely concealed pragmatism. It's a good company with a reputation for employee care, selectivity, and regular rotation. In the end, my real question is whether or not I'd be any happier at any other company than I would be there. If I'm paid well and moving only ten minutes down the road ... why strike a completely new path, you know? Who's to say that getting an engineering gig in DC, Norfolk, or Detroit would be any better than one in Allentown?
I think the bottom line about my professional future is that I haven't found a passion in it. Engineering work can be interesting and exciting, but at work I always find myself drawn to do anything else but my work. God bless those men and women who get off on running bending models and pressure specs all day ... because quite honestly, that's not going to be my deal. I know for a fact that I'll wither and die if I'm told to sit in a cubicle for a year and run calculations. Again, time will tell.
Aside from work, I learned a lot about my friends this year. They're marvelous people, one and all, and I'm truly thankful for them every day. They were my lifeline and one of the primary sources of my will throughout all of 2008. My only regret is that, so addicted to work and an overwrought schedule, I often let them go without seeing them often enough. And even when I see them, I don't tell them how much they mean to me nearly as much as I should. Maybe the brutal slashing and burning of my spring schedule will help. Lord knows, this semester could be the last time I'll be able to see many of them so easily.
My family got battered around this year, health-wise. With the help of the Counseling Center and my friends, I was able to come to terms with the mortality of my family members, namely my dad. Fortunately both he and my grandfather have come out of their various maladies pretty much unscathed [knock on wood]. It was difficult to realize that, someday, the only people left from the "original" crew will be myself and my brother. We'll probably have our wives and children and various other progeny running around by that point, surely, but for now ... I love my family and I'm glad they all decided to stick around a long while more.
As for everything else that happened this year ... not sure I need to elucidate on that any further. The most important thing is that I learned. My parents said it best, I think:
"You found commitment. You just didn't have connection. You were in a situation that you could have settled into and probably even made work, but it didn't have everything you needed. If the stories you tell us are true, you moved on and found connection, but then without commitment. You talked in ways we've never heard before; you sounded so happy about it. The problem there is that you fell into it headlong and got hurt badly when it didn't pan out. So do you understand better, now? You need both."
On a similar note, a friend of mine recently commented that if I try to date someone without feeling a real connection again, she'll smack me upside the head. "You whine too much and then bitch without doing what you have to do- and by that I mean get the hell out."
So I guess you could say I know now what I'm looking for, to some extent. Whether it was real or imagined, the fact is that this year I perceived a connection that was infinitely intoxicating. Distinctly overwhelming. Something that- at long, long last- truly moved me and made me think about how I did things and the way I lived my life. Someone fucking broke through, and the result was something I've never felt before.
Between this newly formed bias/standard/addiction of mine and the unrelentingly unfortunate draw of timing, it's probably no wonder why things have been a bit of a mess since then.
I'll end my thoughts on 2008 with a quote. It's significant, but I won't divulge where it's from. Let me know if you recognize it.
"No, I don't know what the future holds ... but, I'm optimistic."
Happy 2009.
I'll say this ... I learned a lot in 2008. Whether it was about myself, other people, or life in general, I think I can safely say I found out some shit. The bad news is that it hurt like hell to learn most of it; the good news is that the hurt means I won't easily forget any of it.
A plan has been set, lasting from now until September 2010. This coming September I'll be moving to Allentown in order to start my work at Air Products. I'll spend at least a year at HQ there before I get assigned to a new rotation, which could range from China to somewhere in the US to down the hall. The choice of where I go will be determined by a number of factors, some in my control and some not. Time will tell.
My education has worked itself out pretty nicely ... you could probably say I did what I do. Five years, three degrees, no debt. Two publications and a year of teaching. Dual programs. All of that combined into a skill I ended up not exploring in any capacity at all- namely, selling myself for a job. Odd, given my personality.
I'm not sure if the choice to go to Air Products was truly out of love for the company or a case of barely concealed pragmatism. It's a good company with a reputation for employee care, selectivity, and regular rotation. In the end, my real question is whether or not I'd be any happier at any other company than I would be there. If I'm paid well and moving only ten minutes down the road ... why strike a completely new path, you know? Who's to say that getting an engineering gig in DC, Norfolk, or Detroit would be any better than one in Allentown?
I think the bottom line about my professional future is that I haven't found a passion in it. Engineering work can be interesting and exciting, but at work I always find myself drawn to do anything else but my work. God bless those men and women who get off on running bending models and pressure specs all day ... because quite honestly, that's not going to be my deal. I know for a fact that I'll wither and die if I'm told to sit in a cubicle for a year and run calculations. Again, time will tell.
Aside from work, I learned a lot about my friends this year. They're marvelous people, one and all, and I'm truly thankful for them every day. They were my lifeline and one of the primary sources of my will throughout all of 2008. My only regret is that, so addicted to work and an overwrought schedule, I often let them go without seeing them often enough. And even when I see them, I don't tell them how much they mean to me nearly as much as I should. Maybe the brutal slashing and burning of my spring schedule will help. Lord knows, this semester could be the last time I'll be able to see many of them so easily.
My family got battered around this year, health-wise. With the help of the Counseling Center and my friends, I was able to come to terms with the mortality of my family members, namely my dad. Fortunately both he and my grandfather have come out of their various maladies pretty much unscathed [knock on wood]. It was difficult to realize that, someday, the only people left from the "original" crew will be myself and my brother. We'll probably have our wives and children and various other progeny running around by that point, surely, but for now ... I love my family and I'm glad they all decided to stick around a long while more.
As for everything else that happened this year ... not sure I need to elucidate on that any further. The most important thing is that I learned. My parents said it best, I think:
"You found commitment. You just didn't have connection. You were in a situation that you could have settled into and probably even made work, but it didn't have everything you needed. If the stories you tell us are true, you moved on and found connection, but then without commitment. You talked in ways we've never heard before; you sounded so happy about it. The problem there is that you fell into it headlong and got hurt badly when it didn't pan out. So do you understand better, now? You need both."
On a similar note, a friend of mine recently commented that if I try to date someone without feeling a real connection again, she'll smack me upside the head. "You whine too much and then bitch without doing what you have to do- and by that I mean get the hell out."
So I guess you could say I know now what I'm looking for, to some extent. Whether it was real or imagined, the fact is that this year I perceived a connection that was infinitely intoxicating. Distinctly overwhelming. Something that- at long, long last- truly moved me and made me think about how I did things and the way I lived my life. Someone fucking broke through, and the result was something I've never felt before.
Between this newly formed bias/standard/addiction of mine and the unrelentingly unfortunate draw of timing, it's probably no wonder why things have been a bit of a mess since then.
I'll end my thoughts on 2008 with a quote. It's significant, but I won't divulge where it's from. Let me know if you recognize it.
"No, I don't know what the future holds ... but, I'm optimistic."
Happy 2009.
January 05, 2009
January 03, 2009
Entropy
Entropy: "a thermodynamic quantity representing the amount of energy in a system that is no longer available for doing mechanical work; entropy increases as matter and energy in the universe degrade to an ultimate state of inert uniformity."
http://www.multivax.com/last_question.html
Easily one of my favorite short stories from Isaac Asimov. The first time I read it, the ending shocked the hell out of me. If you haven't read it, definitely take 10 minutes and do so.
Happy 2009.
Entropy: "a thermodynamic quantity representing the amount of energy in a system that is no longer available for doing mechanical work; entropy increases as matter and energy in the universe degrade to an ultimate state of inert uniformity."
http://www.multivax.com/last_question.html
Easily one of my favorite short stories from Isaac Asimov. The first time I read it, the ending shocked the hell out of me. If you haven't read it, definitely take 10 minutes and do so.
Happy 2009.
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