Thought
If spending these hours alone in a lab means a few more hours of time with you, then I don't mind being here at all.
February 27, 2009
February 16, 2009
Beautiful Morning
The reality of things is that no one really knows anything except how they feel. How they feel about their work, how they feel about their life, how they feel about the people in it. All things are a matter of perception. All things are gray at best, or maybe an infinite amalgam of colors, different to each and every person who sees them.
My parents only ever had three rules when it came to growing up. In no order, these rules included being a good person, providing for your family, and being happy. If my brother and I could do those things, then my parents would have done a good job in their own minds. There was no required job we had to pursue, no salary we had to earn in order to show our worth. Happiness, integrity, and love were all we were ever supposed to achieve. The rest was superfluous at best.
Earlier in my life- up until very recently- I thought there had to be more. I thought that achievement was more than this short list of virtues. And of course it is ... but it isn't. Not really. What more could one achieve in life except for those things? Is there a greater calling out there than the love of your family? Is there a better way to achieve happiness than in the arms of someone you love? Is there anything more rewarding than seeing gratitude in someone's eyes?
There is no right or wrong answer to the question of life. If you believe in my parents' rules, there can't be. All we have are the people around us and the innate qualities that make us who we are. And if you can find in yourself the things you need- courage, perseverance, hope, faith, love- and you act on those things ... I need to believe that we'll all be okay. We'll all make it.
At the end of the day, I guess we can really want for nothing more than a warm home, someone to wake up beside and fall in love with every morning, and the excitement that comes from the truth of living. The truth that there is no truth. You can't predict who you'll meet or where you'll go anymore than you can predict which way the wind will blow. The best you can hope for is to rely on your own feelings, your own perception, and never stop striving for the things that matter.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise ... but what a beautiful morning we already have today.
The reality of things is that no one really knows anything except how they feel. How they feel about their work, how they feel about their life, how they feel about the people in it. All things are a matter of perception. All things are gray at best, or maybe an infinite amalgam of colors, different to each and every person who sees them.
My parents only ever had three rules when it came to growing up. In no order, these rules included being a good person, providing for your family, and being happy. If my brother and I could do those things, then my parents would have done a good job in their own minds. There was no required job we had to pursue, no salary we had to earn in order to show our worth. Happiness, integrity, and love were all we were ever supposed to achieve. The rest was superfluous at best.
Earlier in my life- up until very recently- I thought there had to be more. I thought that achievement was more than this short list of virtues. And of course it is ... but it isn't. Not really. What more could one achieve in life except for those things? Is there a greater calling out there than the love of your family? Is there a better way to achieve happiness than in the arms of someone you love? Is there anything more rewarding than seeing gratitude in someone's eyes?
There is no right or wrong answer to the question of life. If you believe in my parents' rules, there can't be. All we have are the people around us and the innate qualities that make us who we are. And if you can find in yourself the things you need- courage, perseverance, hope, faith, love- and you act on those things ... I need to believe that we'll all be okay. We'll all make it.
At the end of the day, I guess we can really want for nothing more than a warm home, someone to wake up beside and fall in love with every morning, and the excitement that comes from the truth of living. The truth that there is no truth. You can't predict who you'll meet or where you'll go anymore than you can predict which way the wind will blow. The best you can hope for is to rely on your own feelings, your own perception, and never stop striving for the things that matter.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise ... but what a beautiful morning we already have today.
February 11, 2009
February 09, 2009
February 05, 2009
Timing
Does it count as sacrifice if you choose the thing which would bring you the most happiness? At best, it must be a weighted scale, assuming you have wants that are comparable to each other in importance.
You value doing well at your work, and you value spending time with those you love. If you must choose one over the other, are you sacrificing? The answer is "yes" if your overall utility is not maximized. So says basic economics. What if, based on your extraordinarily single-minded thought process, your priorities become narrower as time goes on? What if your needs become focused entirely upon what you lack, and shift as you lack different things?
Sometimes I find myself a slave to my wants. Right now, these wants do not include the work I do, the classes I teach, or the music I play. My priorities have shifted ... and I can't help but think it is because timing has shifted, as well. That is the one constant we have, isn't it? That's what makes it so important, I guess. Work will always be there. Music is a kind mistress to which one can always return. But these other things ... these time dependent chances and hopes of mine ... they get to me. Engulf me. Drive me.
I have ever been an opportunist; I should like to think in the positive sense. I will jump to tackle something early so as to secure it. In academics and professional endeavors, this policy for action has always served me well. Now, as time marches on, it seems I watch as opportunities drift at the same speed. What is most painful is that I find myself powerless to act. To be told that what you want is not available, not yet ... that what you want lies just out of your grasp ... I'm not sure there is a worse condemnation for those who are as goal-oriented as I am. Those who would lay down everything they have for what they want ... to be told that everything they have is not enough, because that is not what is required? The only thing required is ... time? Something which I have ever been loathe to give? Which tortures me when I see it passing by and I do nothing?
It's the same reason I hate traveling sometimes. Confined to a vehicle, to sit still as the world moves by ... torture. Sacrifice.
I suppose it's time I learn patience. If only I did not find myself so ill-suited to the task. I'm one to rely on my resources, my faculties, my experience, and immediately turn what I would like to my desires. Again, in work this breeds success. With people- friendships, relationships, love?- there is so much more to it. Simple ability and desire are not enough. Timing ... it counts as much if not more.
The whole thing is frustrating, grueling, damn excruciating. It's a skill I was never forced to develop as time went on.
So for now ... I wait. I wait, and I hope. That's the worst part of this waiting, this sacrifice for time, I think. Something you can ensure and guarantee now, today, this hour- is there risk in that? If there is, it's minimal. You get back what you put in almost immediately. When you're forced to wait ... you have to invest yourself and hope for the return. The risk is exponentially, infinitely higher than it would be in the tangible planes of toil and exertion.
I know the importance of timing. Absolutely, I do. I also know the importance of patience, and the greater value something can have when one is forced to wait for it to happen.
So for now ... I bide my time. I do my work. I continue fulfilling the Faustian bargain to which I've signed my name. I plan for the tangible, definite sides of my future. Aside from that?
I wait. I burn.
I hope.
Does it count as sacrifice if you choose the thing which would bring you the most happiness? At best, it must be a weighted scale, assuming you have wants that are comparable to each other in importance.
You value doing well at your work, and you value spending time with those you love. If you must choose one over the other, are you sacrificing? The answer is "yes" if your overall utility is not maximized. So says basic economics. What if, based on your extraordinarily single-minded thought process, your priorities become narrower as time goes on? What if your needs become focused entirely upon what you lack, and shift as you lack different things?
Sometimes I find myself a slave to my wants. Right now, these wants do not include the work I do, the classes I teach, or the music I play. My priorities have shifted ... and I can't help but think it is because timing has shifted, as well. That is the one constant we have, isn't it? That's what makes it so important, I guess. Work will always be there. Music is a kind mistress to which one can always return. But these other things ... these time dependent chances and hopes of mine ... they get to me. Engulf me. Drive me.
I have ever been an opportunist; I should like to think in the positive sense. I will jump to tackle something early so as to secure it. In academics and professional endeavors, this policy for action has always served me well. Now, as time marches on, it seems I watch as opportunities drift at the same speed. What is most painful is that I find myself powerless to act. To be told that what you want is not available, not yet ... that what you want lies just out of your grasp ... I'm not sure there is a worse condemnation for those who are as goal-oriented as I am. Those who would lay down everything they have for what they want ... to be told that everything they have is not enough, because that is not what is required? The only thing required is ... time? Something which I have ever been loathe to give? Which tortures me when I see it passing by and I do nothing?
It's the same reason I hate traveling sometimes. Confined to a vehicle, to sit still as the world moves by ... torture. Sacrifice.
I suppose it's time I learn patience. If only I did not find myself so ill-suited to the task. I'm one to rely on my resources, my faculties, my experience, and immediately turn what I would like to my desires. Again, in work this breeds success. With people- friendships, relationships, love?- there is so much more to it. Simple ability and desire are not enough. Timing ... it counts as much if not more.
The whole thing is frustrating, grueling, damn excruciating. It's a skill I was never forced to develop as time went on.
So for now ... I wait. I wait, and I hope. That's the worst part of this waiting, this sacrifice for time, I think. Something you can ensure and guarantee now, today, this hour- is there risk in that? If there is, it's minimal. You get back what you put in almost immediately. When you're forced to wait ... you have to invest yourself and hope for the return. The risk is exponentially, infinitely higher than it would be in the tangible planes of toil and exertion.
I know the importance of timing. Absolutely, I do. I also know the importance of patience, and the greater value something can have when one is forced to wait for it to happen.
So for now ... I bide my time. I do my work. I continue fulfilling the Faustian bargain to which I've signed my name. I plan for the tangible, definite sides of my future. Aside from that?
I wait. I burn.
I hope.
February 01, 2009
Learning
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-T.H. White, The Once and Future King
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-T.H. White, The Once and Future King
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