Quote
"The best times of your life will almost invariably come as a result of the relationships you have with others and the time you devote to those relationships."
March 23, 2009
March 19, 2009
By the Stars in the Sky
I'm sitting in class right now learning about metal deformation. As this lecture has gone on, I haven't been able to think about anything but how little I want to be in this lecture. It's astounding what a pittance of interest I have in anything being discussed or its application to my future career. Should I know about metal forging? Yeah, I'm about to be a real engineer. I should probably know something about the characteristics and issues inherent to metal forging, however boring they may be.
The thing is, I just don't want to. I just don't care. If my job someday is to determine how to optimize a metal forging process and stare at this all day, I might just freak out. Strike that- I will freak out.
Some aspects of engineering intrigue me, I guess. The transformation of energy from chemical bonds in coal to moving electrons in wire is fascinating. The way the body works astounds me every time I talk to a biology major (assuming the body does represent an engineering problem). The majority of it, though ... process engineering, manufacturing, design ... they're just so bland. So vanilla. So utterly pallid and unexciting in every respect.
Part of me thinks I should just man up and take advantage of the opportunities I've earned. The grass is always greener, right? Maybe if I were a finance major I'd wish I'd pursued engineering. Maybe I'd be lamenting my immediate future running wealth management and spreadsheets for the next few years. People work to live ... work isn't supposed to be fun. So few people really enjoy their jobs, they just DO their jobs. The job I have waiting for me pays well at a good company and offers me a stable jump-off point into my future. Is disinterest really enough for me to justify not wanting to be there?
The other part of me, though, says that there's too much time left in my life to settle now. In reality, I could quit this graduate program immediately, take the money I have, and head out anywhere in the world. I could be in New Zealand in three days, searching for some shitty job and a cheap place to live for a while. I'd meet new people and experience a new land. Who knows where I'd end up from there?
Am I just resisting the inexorable pull of the real world? The grind and endless tedium that everyone promises in the world of white collar work? Do I tremble at this point, on the very edge of the next part of my life, struggling atop a precipice upon which I cannot balance for much longer?
Everyone else seems so cool, calm, and collected about the future. Sometimes I wonder if you all look out upon the next time of your life and want to scream as loudly and desperately as I do. Am I (as usual) overthinking the whole of my prospects? It's natural to resist change. It's natural to doubt some choices you make for fear of their inherent opportunity cost. The cost of what you do includes the value of what you don't do. I'm probably just overthinking all of this, should relax and go with the flow.
Back to this lecture for now ... but Lord almighty, this shit is boring.
"Learning is painful. You can't learn unless you experience pain. If you remain entirely comfortable during the learning process, you haven't gained anything at all."
-Professor Stephen Snyder
Damn right when it comes to metal forging. Ugh.
Happy Jueves.
I'm sitting in class right now learning about metal deformation. As this lecture has gone on, I haven't been able to think about anything but how little I want to be in this lecture. It's astounding what a pittance of interest I have in anything being discussed or its application to my future career. Should I know about metal forging? Yeah, I'm about to be a real engineer. I should probably know something about the characteristics and issues inherent to metal forging, however boring they may be.
The thing is, I just don't want to. I just don't care. If my job someday is to determine how to optimize a metal forging process and stare at this all day, I might just freak out. Strike that- I will freak out.
Some aspects of engineering intrigue me, I guess. The transformation of energy from chemical bonds in coal to moving electrons in wire is fascinating. The way the body works astounds me every time I talk to a biology major (assuming the body does represent an engineering problem). The majority of it, though ... process engineering, manufacturing, design ... they're just so bland. So vanilla. So utterly pallid and unexciting in every respect.
Part of me thinks I should just man up and take advantage of the opportunities I've earned. The grass is always greener, right? Maybe if I were a finance major I'd wish I'd pursued engineering. Maybe I'd be lamenting my immediate future running wealth management and spreadsheets for the next few years. People work to live ... work isn't supposed to be fun. So few people really enjoy their jobs, they just DO their jobs. The job I have waiting for me pays well at a good company and offers me a stable jump-off point into my future. Is disinterest really enough for me to justify not wanting to be there?
The other part of me, though, says that there's too much time left in my life to settle now. In reality, I could quit this graduate program immediately, take the money I have, and head out anywhere in the world. I could be in New Zealand in three days, searching for some shitty job and a cheap place to live for a while. I'd meet new people and experience a new land. Who knows where I'd end up from there?
Am I just resisting the inexorable pull of the real world? The grind and endless tedium that everyone promises in the world of white collar work? Do I tremble at this point, on the very edge of the next part of my life, struggling atop a precipice upon which I cannot balance for much longer?
Everyone else seems so cool, calm, and collected about the future. Sometimes I wonder if you all look out upon the next time of your life and want to scream as loudly and desperately as I do. Am I (as usual) overthinking the whole of my prospects? It's natural to resist change. It's natural to doubt some choices you make for fear of their inherent opportunity cost. The cost of what you do includes the value of what you don't do. I'm probably just overthinking all of this, should relax and go with the flow.
Back to this lecture for now ... but Lord almighty, this shit is boring.
"Learning is painful. You can't learn unless you experience pain. If you remain entirely comfortable during the learning process, you haven't gained anything at all."
-Professor Stephen Snyder
Damn right when it comes to metal forging. Ugh.
Happy Jueves.
March 17, 2009
End of the Universe
"You do this all the damn time."
"Yeah, I know."
"If you know, why do you do it? Why do you keep doing this, thinking this way?"
"It's my nature."
"You treat every fucking situation like it could result in the end of the universe. You finally broke that shit for your work ... do you know how annoying that was?"
"You've let me know repeatedly."
"I mean, you can't really be happy that way, can you? Putting all that stress on your shoulders for regular everyday events? Most people live life as a sequence of everyday events. You live it like a fucking soap opera."
"I've been working on it."
"Well work on it a little harder. What do you think, if you fuck something up people will stop loving you? Like your worth will be out the window? I've got bad news ... you're human, jackass. Humans screw up. Humans aren't good at everything. In fact, most humans would love to be really good at something, anything."
"I guess that's part of it. My self-worth is all tied up in what I do and how well I do it. It used to just be work. It's kinda spilling all over the place now. I thought I'd gotten better."
"You can't assume you've changed so much so quickly. You really can't. You stopped putting that pressure on yourself with your work because you realized you don't like your field and you're burned out. It's very easy for you to rationalize from there and be proud for not freaking out. At the end of the day, though, you haven't come so far yet."
"So it would seem."
"Could you do me a favor, then? Realize something. Realize it right now. The people in your life who love you- family, friends, everyone- they love you for who you are and what you mean to them. They don't love you for what you do. Right now you love yourself for what you do. What you should love yourself for is the love you make in this world through those family and friends who matter so much. You're not perfect, and you never will be, but you get so damn wrapped up in trying to be that you lose sight of what matters."
"What do I do?"
"Let go. Just fucking let go of all that angst, all that fear, all that pressure. I don't know how; it's different for everyone. Maybe talk about it. Be more open. Think happy thoughts. Write it all out. Tell yourself that it's okay. Do whatever you need to do to get down the road without thinking that the fate of your family, your lover, or your future is on the line all the time. Have a little faith in them and a little faith in yourself."
"I'll try."
"Good. And when you try, try without putting pressure on yourself to try. Just exist and go with the damn flow. I promise the people in your life will appreciate it."
"You do this all the damn time."
"Yeah, I know."
"If you know, why do you do it? Why do you keep doing this, thinking this way?"
"It's my nature."
"You treat every fucking situation like it could result in the end of the universe. You finally broke that shit for your work ... do you know how annoying that was?"
"You've let me know repeatedly."
"I mean, you can't really be happy that way, can you? Putting all that stress on your shoulders for regular everyday events? Most people live life as a sequence of everyday events. You live it like a fucking soap opera."
"I've been working on it."
"Well work on it a little harder. What do you think, if you fuck something up people will stop loving you? Like your worth will be out the window? I've got bad news ... you're human, jackass. Humans screw up. Humans aren't good at everything. In fact, most humans would love to be really good at something, anything."
"I guess that's part of it. My self-worth is all tied up in what I do and how well I do it. It used to just be work. It's kinda spilling all over the place now. I thought I'd gotten better."
"You can't assume you've changed so much so quickly. You really can't. You stopped putting that pressure on yourself with your work because you realized you don't like your field and you're burned out. It's very easy for you to rationalize from there and be proud for not freaking out. At the end of the day, though, you haven't come so far yet."
"So it would seem."
"Could you do me a favor, then? Realize something. Realize it right now. The people in your life who love you- family, friends, everyone- they love you for who you are and what you mean to them. They don't love you for what you do. Right now you love yourself for what you do. What you should love yourself for is the love you make in this world through those family and friends who matter so much. You're not perfect, and you never will be, but you get so damn wrapped up in trying to be that you lose sight of what matters."
"What do I do?"
"Let go. Just fucking let go of all that angst, all that fear, all that pressure. I don't know how; it's different for everyone. Maybe talk about it. Be more open. Think happy thoughts. Write it all out. Tell yourself that it's okay. Do whatever you need to do to get down the road without thinking that the fate of your family, your lover, or your future is on the line all the time. Have a little faith in them and a little faith in yourself."
"I'll try."
"Good. And when you try, try without putting pressure on yourself to try. Just exist and go with the damn flow. I promise the people in your life will appreciate it."
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