22 Years
For the last 22 years of my life, I've been working towards something. But maybe what I've been working towards isn't the 9-5 job, and the decent salary, and the okay place to live. Maybe it isn't the new honda and the swingset in the backyard and the big screen TV. Maybe what I've been working towards is actually the ability, and the courage, to choose something other than that which is expected. Maybe it's the personal faith in myself to know that I can do anything in my life, and it will turn out okay. Maybe it's the understanding that there doesn't have to be understanding all the time. Or, most importantly, maybe it's the knowledge that there is no right answer, except for the happiness you feel inside yourself each day.
January 31, 2008
January 25, 2008
Whew
So the week was capped off by my second car accident in the last two years. This one was definitely my fault, I'll definitely be paying the other guy's damage, and I got to watch my car get towed for the first time ever. The body damage was minimal on the Mach 5, but it wouldn't start after I moved it out of the intersection where the collision happened. My dad thinks it's the drive shaft or the alternator ... both of which could be bad news. For now, I cast the destiny of my vehicle to the Fates (at least until early next week).
The rest of the week was spent either forgetting about appointments, accidentally double scheduling myself, or losing my glasses. The glasses are missing for good this time, I think. I still can't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time without waking up, and usually then in a cold sweat. To top things off, for some reason I just can't seem to calm down anymore. I'm wired with this nameless dread or intense stress that I just can't shrug off. I've tried everything ... going to bed earlier, cutting coffee, working out, spending more time on music. I wonder if there's anything else to be done?
What's most frightening about this unusual behavior is the effect it's had on the nights I go out. When the option to drink presents itself, I immediately cast aside the idea of drinking moderately in favor of getting intensely drunk. A very large part of me just wants the stress and constant mind racing to abate, and a very practical way to do that is to drink into myself into thoughtlessness. I've actually gone out of my way to not drink at all this week after the events of last weekend. I don't trust myself to be safe ...
Hah, funny example of my current mindset- I just realized I haven't eaten anything today since 11 AM. I haven't been hungry at all. And I know if I go to bed soon because I'm tired, I'm going to lay awake and wait for the clock to tick beside me for a few hours.
Oh well ... time to go watch some Office and see if there's some wisdom to be garnered there. In times of crisis, always ask yourself: What Would Michael Do?
So the week was capped off by my second car accident in the last two years. This one was definitely my fault, I'll definitely be paying the other guy's damage, and I got to watch my car get towed for the first time ever. The body damage was minimal on the Mach 5, but it wouldn't start after I moved it out of the intersection where the collision happened. My dad thinks it's the drive shaft or the alternator ... both of which could be bad news. For now, I cast the destiny of my vehicle to the Fates (at least until early next week).
The rest of the week was spent either forgetting about appointments, accidentally double scheduling myself, or losing my glasses. The glasses are missing for good this time, I think. I still can't sleep for more than a couple hours at a time without waking up, and usually then in a cold sweat. To top things off, for some reason I just can't seem to calm down anymore. I'm wired with this nameless dread or intense stress that I just can't shrug off. I've tried everything ... going to bed earlier, cutting coffee, working out, spending more time on music. I wonder if there's anything else to be done?
What's most frightening about this unusual behavior is the effect it's had on the nights I go out. When the option to drink presents itself, I immediately cast aside the idea of drinking moderately in favor of getting intensely drunk. A very large part of me just wants the stress and constant mind racing to abate, and a very practical way to do that is to drink into myself into thoughtlessness. I've actually gone out of my way to not drink at all this week after the events of last weekend. I don't trust myself to be safe ...
Hah, funny example of my current mindset- I just realized I haven't eaten anything today since 11 AM. I haven't been hungry at all. And I know if I go to bed soon because I'm tired, I'm going to lay awake and wait for the clock to tick beside me for a few hours.
Oh well ... time to go watch some Office and see if there's some wisdom to be garnered there. In times of crisis, always ask yourself: What Would Michael Do?
January 22, 2008
Engineering
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."
-Victor Hugo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb-pobBiKkI&feature=related
The notes you hear and the emotion they generate will not be the same for any one of us. Regardless of this inherent dissimilarity, however, each of us is capable of feeling through music. We may be inspired, enlivened, or made to weep by those sounds which find a way to affect us. The only true downfall of music is when it rebounds upon deaf ears, or upon stone hearts which will not be moved.
So open yourself to music. Close your eyes and let the visions play in your head. Drown out the noise of the day and hear the melody that reaches your soul. And most importantly ... share what you hear. Denying what music makes you feel defeats the very purpose of that music in the first place.
Like your band director always said- play out. Right or wrong, good or bad ... play out for all to hear.
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."
-Victor Hugo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb-pobBiKkI&feature=related
The notes you hear and the emotion they generate will not be the same for any one of us. Regardless of this inherent dissimilarity, however, each of us is capable of feeling through music. We may be inspired, enlivened, or made to weep by those sounds which find a way to affect us. The only true downfall of music is when it rebounds upon deaf ears, or upon stone hearts which will not be moved.
So open yourself to music. Close your eyes and let the visions play in your head. Drown out the noise of the day and hear the melody that reaches your soul. And most importantly ... share what you hear. Denying what music makes you feel defeats the very purpose of that music in the first place.
Like your band director always said- play out. Right or wrong, good or bad ... play out for all to hear.
January 16, 2008
Think Hard
Another 366 days around the sun.
Did you accomplish everything you wanted to? Did you meet everyone you wanted to meet? Experience everything you wanted to experience? Say what you wanted to say? Be who you wanted to be?
Partially. Sometimes. I wonder what I should have done differently in the last year.
What would you change about last year? That's the wrong question to ask ... it's the same as asking what you would change about the earth's orbit. The fact is that you can't change it.
So what's the real question?
What will you do this year? This month? This week? Tomorrow? And most importantly- today? It becomes a math problem, engineer. Today's choices x 365.25 x your life span in years = you. Most people aren't built in a day. Character is built in pieces, ever so small, and they can only be added over long spans of time.
What if I don't know what to do?
That's the other problem, engineer. No black and white, cut and dry, right and wrong. It's all a mix of colors. The only "correct" solution comes when you wake up in the morning, and you're happy with the piece of life you're creating.
Will my TI-89 Platinum do it? I downloaded the extra graphing package.
... just go to class already. And think hard on your choices. Think very, very hard.
Another 366 days around the sun.
Did you accomplish everything you wanted to? Did you meet everyone you wanted to meet? Experience everything you wanted to experience? Say what you wanted to say? Be who you wanted to be?
Partially. Sometimes. I wonder what I should have done differently in the last year.
What would you change about last year? That's the wrong question to ask ... it's the same as asking what you would change about the earth's orbit. The fact is that you can't change it.
So what's the real question?
What will you do this year? This month? This week? Tomorrow? And most importantly- today? It becomes a math problem, engineer. Today's choices x 365.25 x your life span in years = you. Most people aren't built in a day. Character is built in pieces, ever so small, and they can only be added over long spans of time.
What if I don't know what to do?
That's the other problem, engineer. No black and white, cut and dry, right and wrong. It's all a mix of colors. The only "correct" solution comes when you wake up in the morning, and you're happy with the piece of life you're creating.
Will my TI-89 Platinum do it? I downloaded the extra graphing package.
... just go to class already. And think hard on your choices. Think very, very hard.
January 08, 2008
Play On
So unless I made a mistake somewhere, this blog now has audio capabilities. On the right side of the page should be a box labeled "Compositions." Each of the links in that box connects to a sound file that I uploaded to an online file storage website, Box.net. Follow the links and you can download those sound files, playable on itunes or any other audio program that can handle wav files.
The three items posted so far are what I've thrown together in Sibelius up to this point. They might suck, but hey ... everyone needs a creative outlet, right?
Happy composing.
So unless I made a mistake somewhere, this blog now has audio capabilities. On the right side of the page should be a box labeled "Compositions." Each of the links in that box connects to a sound file that I uploaded to an online file storage website, Box.net. Follow the links and you can download those sound files, playable on itunes or any other audio program that can handle wav files.
The three items posted so far are what I've thrown together in Sibelius up to this point. They might suck, but hey ... everyone needs a creative outlet, right?
Happy composing.
January 06, 2008
24 Hours (the morning)
5:55 AM
I always set my alarm to five minutes before I have to be awake. I roll over slowly onto my back, hazy as usual about where I am today and what I'm doing. A quick spasm in my left leg reminds me of exactly what I'm doing. Sun streams in from the open windows at the top of the gym, making the yellow walls burn with a warm glow. The air in the room is hot and heavy, dense from the lack of circulation and large number of bodies. I lay for some minutes in silence, enjoying the solitude of wakefulness surrounded by sleep.
At exactly 6:02 AM, another member of the corps taps me on the shoulder. "You're already up? Good- wake the others on that side, I'll get this side. Outside and ready to go in 8 minutes." I quickly roll my sleeping bag and place my belongings on the side of the bleachers, ready to be moved out at a moment's notice. I put on the day's attire- cotton shorts, an old t-shirt, fresh socks, sneakers, a faded cap- and then slip through the far side of the gym. I slowly find the crew, including Froggy, Elk, Red, Flamin' A, wait a minute to make sure they're all up, then head out the gym doors to the day.
I lean against the gym's outer brick wall for a moment, taking in our new surroundings. In a minute or two, I'm joined by others; we exchange bleary-eyed nods. The breeze is already warm on my face, even though the sun is just peaking over the mountains to the east. Directly below us is a turf field (seems like it's in beautiful condition) with other sport facilities spread around the complex we're in. In the distance we see the giant boulder that gives this town it's namesake, similarly glowing a vibrant tan and green in the summer sunlight. The sky is completely clear and an overwhelming blue. The scene makes me smile despite the soreness of my legs and the dried blood still on my face.
Eventually we're all there, and the guy who first woke me up arrives. "A mile that way, uphill. Only the main tower, then back for breakfast. Stretch and run begins in forty-five minutes. Let's go." We jog up the mountain at an easy gait, letting our lungs adjust to this new altitude. In about ten minutes we're at the tower, still not having said a word, and we erect it with a speed that belies the end of the season. We've put it up and taken it down too many times to count by now. Despite the pain of the early wake-up, the brisk jogs, and the monotony of our job, I know I picked the right crew to be on for the summer. I also know I'll miss it when it's over.
Once the tower is up, we realize we have a few extra minutes so a couple of us head to the top. The climb gives us another 30 feet of view at what is already the top of a mountain, and we can see for miles upon miles in every direction. The sun is rising quickly, illuminating more of the vast range of Rockies around us. There still isn't a cloud to be found in any direction.
Several moments pass ... faint bird calls. Warm breeze.
Blue sky.
Our vision is finally broken by the quick check of a watch. "All right ... breakfast time. Let's get back." We descend the tower carefully, regroup, and enjoy the easier jog downhill to breakfast. In another ten minutes I'm twenty people back in the chow line, thinking about eggs and wondering what we'll be working on in drill today. There's a peacefulness in my heart that I haven't felt in the longest time. Those mountains did more for me that morning than anything else I could have asked for. An unexpected dream come true.
And that is my perfect wake-up. What's yours?
7:00 AM
5:55 AM
I always set my alarm to five minutes before I have to be awake. I roll over slowly onto my back, hazy as usual about where I am today and what I'm doing. A quick spasm in my left leg reminds me of exactly what I'm doing. Sun streams in from the open windows at the top of the gym, making the yellow walls burn with a warm glow. The air in the room is hot and heavy, dense from the lack of circulation and large number of bodies. I lay for some minutes in silence, enjoying the solitude of wakefulness surrounded by sleep.
At exactly 6:02 AM, another member of the corps taps me on the shoulder. "You're already up? Good- wake the others on that side, I'll get this side. Outside and ready to go in 8 minutes." I quickly roll my sleeping bag and place my belongings on the side of the bleachers, ready to be moved out at a moment's notice. I put on the day's attire- cotton shorts, an old t-shirt, fresh socks, sneakers, a faded cap- and then slip through the far side of the gym. I slowly find the crew, including Froggy, Elk, Red, Flamin' A, wait a minute to make sure they're all up, then head out the gym doors to the day.
I lean against the gym's outer brick wall for a moment, taking in our new surroundings. In a minute or two, I'm joined by others; we exchange bleary-eyed nods. The breeze is already warm on my face, even though the sun is just peaking over the mountains to the east. Directly below us is a turf field (seems like it's in beautiful condition) with other sport facilities spread around the complex we're in. In the distance we see the giant boulder that gives this town it's namesake, similarly glowing a vibrant tan and green in the summer sunlight. The sky is completely clear and an overwhelming blue. The scene makes me smile despite the soreness of my legs and the dried blood still on my face.
Eventually we're all there, and the guy who first woke me up arrives. "A mile that way, uphill. Only the main tower, then back for breakfast. Stretch and run begins in forty-five minutes. Let's go." We jog up the mountain at an easy gait, letting our lungs adjust to this new altitude. In about ten minutes we're at the tower, still not having said a word, and we erect it with a speed that belies the end of the season. We've put it up and taken it down too many times to count by now. Despite the pain of the early wake-up, the brisk jogs, and the monotony of our job, I know I picked the right crew to be on for the summer. I also know I'll miss it when it's over.
Once the tower is up, we realize we have a few extra minutes so a couple of us head to the top. The climb gives us another 30 feet of view at what is already the top of a mountain, and we can see for miles upon miles in every direction. The sun is rising quickly, illuminating more of the vast range of Rockies around us. There still isn't a cloud to be found in any direction.
Several moments pass ... faint bird calls. Warm breeze.
Blue sky.
Our vision is finally broken by the quick check of a watch. "All right ... breakfast time. Let's get back." We descend the tower carefully, regroup, and enjoy the easier jog downhill to breakfast. In another ten minutes I'm twenty people back in the chow line, thinking about eggs and wondering what we'll be working on in drill today. There's a peacefulness in my heart that I haven't felt in the longest time. Those mountains did more for me that morning than anything else I could have asked for. An unexpected dream come true.
And that is my perfect wake-up. What's yours?
7:00 AM
January 01, 2008
Creation
I love the new Sibelius (music writing) software I got for Christmas. Maybe even more than Matlab, if such levels of intimacy are possible between a pile of code and a human being.
So far the only thing I've finished is a ten bar chord progression for tenor brass instruments. It's mostly just a combination of major chords and inversions, but I like how it sounds. Very drum-corps-warm-up-esque.
As for a longer piece ... such is a work in progress. I have the idea ... I have the inspiration ... I just have to hear it. As mathematically oriented as music is, there are some things you can't just sit there and plug through with brute force. You've gotta hear the melody before you can write it sometimes.
Happy 2008.
I love the new Sibelius (music writing) software I got for Christmas. Maybe even more than Matlab, if such levels of intimacy are possible between a pile of code and a human being.
So far the only thing I've finished is a ten bar chord progression for tenor brass instruments. It's mostly just a combination of major chords and inversions, but I like how it sounds. Very drum-corps-warm-up-esque.
As for a longer piece ... such is a work in progress. I have the idea ... I have the inspiration ... I just have to hear it. As mathematically oriented as music is, there are some things you can't just sit there and plug through with brute force. You've gotta hear the melody before you can write it sometimes.
Happy 2008.
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