Never Enough

The following is a quote from something- I don't know what- but it's a favorite of one of my best friends from home, and I doubt she'd mind if I borrowed it:

"No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, 'How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?'"

It's an interesting way to see things ... the idea that we are always wanting more. I personally come into contact with this problem every day. Either I want something to be more fulfilling, or I want it to last longer. The topics that this pertains to can range from the mundane (my burger at lunch sucked) to the pragmatic (I'm glad I got an 82, but I would have liked a 92) to the emotional (why was everyone so down at dinner tonight?). No matter what events unfold in any given part of a day, it just seems like either 1) the situation itself doesn't live up to my expectations of it or 2) I don't live up to the performance I expected of myself.

It's probably safe to say that this way of seeing things, however pessimistic it might seem, is likely based in my own senses of perfectionism and selfishness. The perfectionism one is easy enough to apply; I want myself to be perfect, and I tend to hold everyone else to the same standard. I am, though, far more likely to forgive others than myself, and far more quickly too, when whatever "perfect" plans I had don't come to fruition. The selfishness is also simple enough to connect ... since the majority of my thinking is ego-centric, of course I want to maximize my own sense of satisfaction regardless of the events at hand.

Usually this lack of fulfillment isn't really a problem. I go about my day, and to be honest I never have anything to complain about at all. What's the worst thing that happened to me this fall that wasn't my own fault- the systems professor losing a homework that I did and never giving me credit?

Yet, by the end of every semester, I find myself facing apathy and a sense of longing that applies to just about everything. Any good grades I get don't matter or excite me. Performing only leads me to pick out the various flaws or mistakes I make in any given show. Even seeing my friends- the one thing that really makes me happy by this point- never leaves me truly happy because we always have to part ways. As I write this, I actually lament having had to say goodnight to two different groups of friends this evening, because when I'm with them and can make them laugh ... I'm happy.

Side note- maybe this "never good enough" mentality was a factor in the ending of my last few relationships, as well as a contributor to the fact that I can't figure out where to begin starting a new one? Maybe my selfish need for personal fulfillment means that I'm missing out on the big picture of romance, and how to really find happiness with someone else? Am I so focused on finding an immediate, all-encompassing connection with someone that I'm unwilling to try and create one over time? Are all these rhetorical questions coming off as annoying, rather than as effective literary risks to be taken in an informal work of reflection?

Anyway ... the solution, as I see it, was actually something I heard from a Denis Leary stand-up performance. His message was simple- life will never be enough. People have become so sold on the idea that perfection exists that nothing will ever be enough to content them anymore. Supposedly it's possible to live the perfect life, have the perfect job, raise the perfect family, and experience nothing but happiness. But it really isn't. And even when stuff doesn't suck, that doesn't mean you'll be absolutely enraptured, either. The trick to finding happiness, then, is not to go searching for the holy grail that will deliver you all that you desire. There is no one thing that can give you all that you need and satisfy you forever. Taking joy in the little things, the minor parts of your day, is what life is about. The vast majority of us don't have much more to rely on, anyway, so it's in our own best interest to choose our attitude and face each day with optimism, responsibility, practicality, and drive.

Happiness isn't a single event, person, or thing ... it's the chocolate chip cookie you eat on the way out of the dining hall. It's the B you get when you thought failure was imminent. It's seeing your friends when you can, laughing with them when you can, and supporting them when you can. It's catching your favorite show that one time per week that it's on. It's that one run-through of a piece in the practice room when everything finally clicks. And, in five days, it's going home to the family you haven't been able to see in four months.

Take joy in all that you do ... because moments of pure happiness only come a few times in your life. Everything else on the way is what matters. Make it count.