When Did This Happen?

I was talking to my parents on the phone last night when something hit me out of the blue. It was a realization of something that I probably should have known, but it didn't really pop out at me until my Dad phrased it perfectly:

J: "So I'm arranging my finals schedule, working out where I'm living this summer to accomodate moving my stuff there before I leave for Europe, and then coming back to start at Air Products. I still need to call the company to check on my start date, but after that I should be good. I applied for that credit card just in case I need it, too. Did I forget anything?"

Dad: "Sounds like you got most of it covered ... and hey, it's your life. We're just here to keep you from doing something overly dumb."

Wait, it's my life? I've been at college for three years and no one ever sent me a memo on this one- when the hell did that happen? When did my life change from a dynamic in which parents, teachers, and friends guided and supported me in every single decision I made? Where did the fail-safes and protection go (in the form of my mom checking my tax paperwork or my grandfather arranging a job interview)? Most importantly, who's here to keep me alive and kicking, and to keep me from making mistakes?

Somehow, through three years of choices, decisions, work, and growth, something occurred in which ownership of my life shifted. I became the one who sought out jobs, made friends, and chose what I did on a day-to-day basis. In the back of my mind, until very recently, I had always sort of assumed that there was still someone looking out for me in everything that I did. Someone who would yell at me for missing class, who would question what I did with my free time, who would double-check and discuss my decisions with me before I made them. Like the good old days- you know, high school.

And then, very slowly, day by day and choice by choice, that seems to have gone out the window. Trapped in my own self-crafted world of academics, work, and an uncompromising/unhealthy dependency on achievement, I didn't realize that such a change was even taking place. After my Dad made that comment, I was silent for a second, almost shocked by the notion that he and my Mom really didn't have any advice for me on the specific choices I made. They don't know the friends with whom I might live, the housing conditions I might choose, the job I might accept, or the classes I might take. Sure, they can always offer general tips and remind me of glaring omissions I might make ("Did you file your taxes this year?" or "Put on pants before you go to class."), but for the most part they can't help at all anymore.

Of course, the end result of this self-actualization is the idea that, one year from now, I'll have decided what the next step in my life will be (just like the rest of the class of 2008). But where to ... the job market? Grad school? A different region of the country? A different country entirely? Right back here at Lehigh to get a Master's Degree and stave off the notion of complete independence for another 12 months? Will there be someone else to take into consideration, or will I still be that single, awkward guy with good intentions but poor romantic execution? Christ, what the hell will my name even be? I could be Martin J. again by the time I apply for a real job.

Anyway, here's to the realization that each of us is creeping toward adulthood quicker than we know it. Congratulations to those of you who, for whatever reason, have already figured that out and started investment in your 401 K's. For the rest of us ... I don't know about you, but I still watch cartoons, frequently play video games, and honestly believe think that "Pirate" is just about the best occupation you can have. Newfound life accountability or not- anyone willing to trust me with the title of "adult" at this point should have their head examined.


Here's to growing up, and the realization that the choices we make at this point are our own.

Goodnight.