Legends Never Die

Legends of the Hidden Temple was easily one of my favorite TV shows when I was growing up. Even now I still consider it the pinnacle point of what I call the “Golden Age of Nickelodeon.” I’m sure if you think back, you can recall that glorious time, that amazing period, that Pax Romana of children’s entertainment. It was a time when Nicktoons like Rocko’s Modern Life and Doug ran several times a day. When shows like Double Dare kept us watching in horror at the random dad who couldn’t find an orange flag inside a giant nose filled with slime. When Silver Age shows like Pete and Pete and Salute Your Shorts could still be found. Who among us wasn’t moved when Artie selflessly fought the ocean, or when Donkeylips threatened to sit on Michael’s head and fart continuously? Oh, it was a hell of a time to be young, watching a popsicle stick with googley-eyes pander to your every whim …

But even now, looking back on all the best times we had, I think we can all agree that Legends was in a class all its own from the very start. No other game show required the same incredible berth of skills, or pit so many contenders against one another in such a bloody fashion. No other venue existed where knowledge was as important as might, or where a pedophile dressed like a Mayan could jump out from behind Styrofoam blocks and wrestle you into a dark corner. And certainly, nowhere else could you ever get away with being called a “Purple Parrot” without simultaneously being labeled as a homosexual.

With all this and more to remember, it makes sense why Legends has made its recent resurgence into popular college culture. It’s a pivotal part of our youth and a source of an almost infinite number of universally understood references. For those reasons and more, I now present an idea that I think could return the show to some semblance of its former grandeur and glory. So here goes ... the basic outline of Legends of the Hidden Temple, College Edition:

1. Kirk Fogg

The show cannot be brought back without first rehiring its only host, Kirk Fogg. Where Marc Summers was overtly enthusiastic and Moira Quark was courteously differential, Kirk Fogg often displayed nothing less than clear, unadulterated loathing for many of the contestants on Legends. Sure, he went through the trite blatherings and standard contrivances of all game show hosts, but deep down … you could just tell he hated his job, his life, and all the Green Monkeys that ever kept him from being the next Alex Trebec. The only time he showed even a hint of actual fondness for the players was during his awkward and overly tight hugs after each round of the Temple Games. Even then, it wasn’t so much a pleasantry as it was a sexual advance on a 12-year-old.

It is clear- for the show to return, Kirk Fogg and all his poorly handled depression and rage must return with it. His contribution to our memory and his overall influence on the show are just too strong to be replaced by anything but the original. And if I may say so, his entrance onto the sound stage must be as it always was. He needs to slide in on a rope, just like old times, because if you looked closely … that was the moment when he hated not just the contestants and the stupid-ass talking head, but the whole wide world that had made him the gigantic Mayan tool he would be forevermore.

2. New Teams

Obviously the six original teams (Orange Iguanas, Blue Barracudas, Red Jaguars, Green Monkeys, Purple Parrots, and Silver Snakes) must all return, but what about some new teams to root for? We’re not kids anymore … let’s get into some real, unfiltered representation of the human spirit. And don’t stop after simply adding new teams to rotate in- let’s opt for some controversy around them, too. I think we can all agree that something bland like the “Yellow Fire Ants” just plain sucks. So here are some team ideas I’ve been throwing around:

-the White Wasps
-the Black Panthers
-the Pink Douchebags
-the Stripped Streakers

Each of these teams brings out very different aspects of college life, and I think each of us can find reasons to get behind them and cheer as they struggle to cross the Moat or walk down the Steps of Knowledge. Of note are some of the distinctions they’ll be receiving to set them apart as special “College Edition” teams:

-The White Wasps come equipped with a completely unfounded, bitter attitude towards life, as well as a sense of jaded cynicism that in no way reflects their cushy suburban upbringing.
-The Black Panthers receive one additional weapon each time they win a round of the Temple Games (see below: Combat with the Temple Guards).
-The Pink Douchebags forego the typical contestant clothing (t-shirt and khaki shorts) in favor of a pink, popped polo and obnoxiously plaid golf shorts. The insignia on their shirt will not be an animal, but instead a large hand giving the Shocker.
-The Stripped Streakers participate in the entirety of Legends while naked. As such, minimal attractiveness requirements will be mandated for contestants on this team … score less than an 8 on the hotness scale and we shouldn’t have to watch your ugly ass climb a ladder inside the Temple. That’s just disgusting.

3. The Best Prizes of 1994

All prizes awarded at the various stages of the game will be the same as when Legends originally aired. Fail the Moat, and you win Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Fuck up the Steps of Knowledge, and you could win Nike pump-action sneakers. Lose in the Temple Games, and you’ll get a walkman that plays cassettes. And if, by the hand of Quetzalcoatl, you actually clear the Temple, you and your partner are going to fuckin’ Space Camp.

4. Alcohol as a Game Enhancer

The point of the Moat crossing was to immediately eliminate the theoretically dumbest, weakest, and shittiest teams from the competition. I mean, yeah … if you’re 11 and you can’t handle rowing an inner tube 12 feet across an indoor tank, you have no right to be within 100 feet of the Temple, let alone running it. The problem with the Moat was that the entire crossing would last maybe 20 seconds, making for an often anticlimactic and short-lived sense of excitement. In the worst case scenario, if two of the teams had members that fell in or did something especially retarded (forgot to hit the light-up buzzer, for example), the entire competition would actually become downright boring.

To counter the ineffectiveness of the original Moat crossing and to lengthen its total time, all teams will now be required to participate in two new activities before they can buzz in. The first begins half an hour before Kirk starts the race … both members of each team must take a number of Tequila shots determined by body weight. For every 35 pounds you weigh, you must take one shot in that time period. A dude weighing 220 pounds, then, would be required to take 6 shots minimum in the 30 minutes leading up to the crossing. Combine this with the new pool length (60 feet) and suddenly crossing it becomes not a matter of seconds, but whole minutes or even hours.

The second activity in the Moat Crossing is the preliminary construction of a mini Silver Monkey Statue upon reaching the opposite shore. This is essentially screening to ensure that, if your team runs the Temple, you will not fuck up and deface the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. There is no worse sin than placing the monkey’s head before its torso, and you will be penalized severely for it if you make such a mistake (see below: Ways to Die inside the Temple).

5. Pimpin’ Olmec

The Steps of Knowledge separated those contestants with the ability to pay attention for 30 seconds from those who could not. Minimal changes will be made here, except for the following:

-you must take a shot for each step you descend down the stairs (three for the win)
-puking on the steps of knowledge (due to the 6-10 shots you’ve now consumed) will result in Olmec calling you out for however long he wants; during that time he may insult your mother, heritage, sexual orientation, manliness, penis size, breast size, ugliness, and anything else pertaining to you or your inability to hold your booze
-Olmec’s stories are now entirely pornographic in nature; as such, Temple treasures will now include such rare finds as "The Dildo of Jenna Jameson” and “The Cock Ring of Ron Jeremy”
-Olmec will no longer respond with “that is incorrect” if a wrong answer is given. Instead he may choose from a list of insults ranging from “That taste in your mouth is cock” to “You know how I know you’re gay?”

6. Battling the Temple Guards

The Temple Games will remain largely intact … in fact, the various apparatuses used to play them will not be changed at all. They will be left at their original size, construction, and load capacity. Figuring out how to not die on the climbing wall when your rope’s stress limit is half your weight will add an entirely new dimension to the Games. The creepy spotters will also return to ensure that you are sufficiently fondled and groped as you attempt to drop balls in the bucket while spinning on a one-sided seesaw meant to hold less than 100 pounds.

Note: If that last sentence doesn’t sum up all the glory and absolute ridiculousness of the show itself, I don’t know what does.

The biggest change to the Temple Games will be the prizes rewarded for victory. Instead of receiving Pendants of Life (used to ward off Temple Guards), winners will now receive weapons chosen from a randomized stock. This is due to the fact that, instead of being able to exchange a pendant for your life, contestants must now battle any encountered Temple Guards to the death. Temple Guards will receive standardized equipment including blow darts, a crossbow, a scimitar, and a small shield. The contestant weapons will be drawn from a Battle Royale-style cache, ranging from the horrible (trash can lid) to the suicidal (flamethrower inside the wood/plastic Temple):

-trash can lid
-3” knife
-hatchet
-grenade
-slingshot
-9 mm handgun
-uzi
-broken bottle
-broadsword
-small flamethrower
-mace (spray)
-mace (medieval)
-trident

7. Other Ways to Die Inside the Temple

Running the Temple was always the best part of the show, but so often even the best runs would end in an upsetting, unworthy fashion. An uncoordinated contestant would get trapped in the ball pit, or wouldn’t press the actuators in the observatory the right way, or wouldn’t understand how many doors existed in a room. This type of ineptitude might have been fine for 12-year-olds, but we’re not dealing with kids now. The College Edition Temple, while largely the same as the original, demands respect, ability, and knowledge from those who pass through its sacred gates.

In an effort to correct this lack of humility before a place of such innate power and wisdom, the dynamics of the Temple itself have changed. Yes, you still must earn the right to enter … but, more importantly, you must now also earn the right to leave. Transgress in any of the following ways and guess what ... your ass is toast.

-As mentioned above, Temple Guards are still the crazy pedophiles they once were, but now they must be killed before you may continue your journey. If you’re the first runner and are killed in combat, the Temple Guard will vanish and the second runner will begin. Also, do not scavenge equipment from a fallen Temple Spirit. Dishonoring them that way will unleash the other two Guards who will immediately begin pursuing you like raptors.

-Tripping on your way up the Temple gate’s steps will result in columns of flame shooting up out of the steps themselves. Far too many contestants looked like silly assholes before they even made it into the Temple … for that mistake you will now be incinerated alive.

-Being confused inside the Temple is no longer acceptable as a reason for failure. You should know the requirements, characteristics, exits, and entrances for each of the 15 Temple layouts and 46 Temple rooms. Find the key and proper slot in The King’s Storeroom, and you should not have to waste even a second figuring out which door or hatch opened. To amend this sort of delay, once the requirements for a room are met, you have exactly 4 seconds to move on. Taking longer than that will result in a hail of bullets flying through the room, ostensibly killing or mortally wounding anyone inside.

Exceptions to this rule include those contestants who are actively battling Temple Guards when a room’s requirements are met. Killing you then would just be dick.

-The Altar of Sacrifice is a new room, inspired by the arcane Aztec rituals that inspired the show itself. In order to pass through the room you must destroy something in the fires of the Altar. Depending upon the nature of your sacrifice, you may be directed forward, backward, or straight to the treasure. The options are as follows:

Sacrificing your weapon(s) in the Altar will give you either an indirect path or nothing. It also guarantees at least some injury when battling the guards from then on.

Sacrificing a body part will open the next room.

Sacrificing your life will open all the doors of the Temple (this option is available only to first runners or very stupid second runners).

-Lastly and most importantly, the Shrine of the Silver Monkey is now considered the most holy and high room of the Temple. Dishonoring the Monkey, as so many contestants did, will now bring swift and inescapable death. From the moment you enter the room you will have exactly 12 seconds to obtain the Monkey’s parts and construct Him properly on the first try. Mismatching any parts or missing this time limit will result in the room suddenly being sealed off behind a glass barrier and filled with mustard gas. As an added consequence, your waiting teammate will be simultaneously shot in the head by Kirk Fogg.

In short, The Silver Monkey doesn't fuck around anymore.


So there you have it … Legends of the Hidden Temple, College Edition. Despite (or because of) the increased amount of violence, substance abuse, and sexual content, I really think that this show idea is worth pursuing. I mean, wouldn’t you be willing to sit down and watch a group of your peers undergo this kind of torture? Or better yet, wouldn’t you love the chance to compete again yourself- if not for sheer glory, then for the chance at going to Space Camp and earning a kick-ass animal T-shirt? The chance to be touched inappropriately by Kirk Fogg and be belittled by a giant plush head? The chance to finally strike back against those Megan’s Law-hating Temple Guards?

I know I would.

Oh well ... here's to the dreams and legends of our youth.

Green Monkeys 4-eva.