2008

I'll say this ... I learned a lot in 2008. Whether it was about myself, other people, or life in general, I think I can safely say I found out some shit. The bad news is that it hurt like hell to learn most of it; the good news is that the hurt means I won't easily forget any of it.

A plan has been set, lasting from now until September 2010. This coming September I'll be moving to Allentown in order to start my work at Air Products. I'll spend at least a year at HQ there before I get assigned to a new rotation, which could range from China to somewhere in the US to down the hall. The choice of where I go will be determined by a number of factors, some in my control and some not. Time will tell.

My education has worked itself out pretty nicely ... you could probably say I did what I do. Five years, three degrees, no debt. Two publications and a year of teaching. Dual programs. All of that combined into a skill I ended up not exploring in any capacity at all- namely, selling myself for a job. Odd, given my personality.

I'm not sure if the choice to go to Air Products was truly out of love for the company or a case of barely concealed pragmatism. It's a good company with a reputation for employee care, selectivity, and regular rotation. In the end, my real question is whether or not I'd be any happier at any other company than I would be there. If I'm paid well and moving only ten minutes down the road ... why strike a completely new path, you know? Who's to say that getting an engineering gig in DC, Norfolk, or Detroit would be any better than one in Allentown?

I think the bottom line about my professional future is that I haven't found a passion in it. Engineering work can be interesting and exciting, but at work I always find myself drawn to do anything else but my work. God bless those men and women who get off on running bending models and pressure specs all day ... because quite honestly, that's not going to be my deal. I know for a fact that I'll wither and die if I'm told to sit in a cubicle for a year and run calculations. Again, time will tell.

Aside from work, I learned a lot about my friends this year. They're marvelous people, one and all, and I'm truly thankful for them every day. They were my lifeline and one of the primary sources of my will throughout all of 2008. My only regret is that, so addicted to work and an overwrought schedule, I often let them go without seeing them often enough. And even when I see them, I don't tell them how much they mean to me nearly as much as I should. Maybe the brutal slashing and burning of my spring schedule will help. Lord knows, this semester could be the last time I'll be able to see many of them so easily.

My family got battered around this year, health-wise. With the help of the Counseling Center and my friends, I was able to come to terms with the mortality of my family members, namely my dad. Fortunately both he and my grandfather have come out of their various maladies pretty much unscathed [knock on wood]. It was difficult to realize that, someday, the only people left from the "original" crew will be myself and my brother. We'll probably have our wives and children and various other progeny running around by that point, surely, but for now ... I love my family and I'm glad they all decided to stick around a long while more.

As for everything else that happened this year ... not sure I need to elucidate on that any further. The most important thing is that I learned. My parents said it best, I think:

"You found commitment. You just didn't have connection. You were in a situation that you could have settled into and probably even made work, but it didn't have everything you needed. If the stories you tell us are true, you moved on and found connection, but then without commitment. You talked in ways we've never heard before; you sounded so happy about it. The problem there is that you fell into it headlong and got hurt badly when it didn't pan out. So do you understand better, now? You need both."

On a similar note, a friend of mine recently commented that if I try to date someone without feeling a real connection again, she'll smack me upside the head. "You whine too much and then bitch without doing what you have to do- and by that I mean get the hell out."

So I guess you could say I know now what I'm looking for, to some extent. Whether it was real or imagined, the fact is that this year I perceived a connection that was infinitely intoxicating. Distinctly overwhelming. Something that- at long, long last- truly moved me and made me think about how I did things and the way I lived my life. Someone fucking broke through, and the result was something I've never felt before.

Between this newly formed bias/standard/addiction of mine and the unrelentingly unfortunate draw of timing, it's probably no wonder why things have been a bit of a mess since then.

I'll end my thoughts on 2008 with a quote. It's significant, but I won't divulge where it's from. Let me know if you recognize it.

"No, I don't know what the future holds ... but, I'm optimistic."

Happy 2009.