Timing

Does it count as sacrifice if you choose the thing which would bring you the most happiness? At best, it must be a weighted scale, assuming you have wants that are comparable to each other in importance.

You value doing well at your work, and you value spending time with those you love. If you must choose one over the other, are you sacrificing? The answer is "yes" if your overall utility is not maximized. So says basic economics. What if, based on your extraordinarily single-minded thought process, your priorities become narrower as time goes on? What if your needs become focused entirely upon what you lack, and shift as you lack different things?

Sometimes I find myself a slave to my wants. Right now, these wants do not include the work I do, the classes I teach, or the music I play. My priorities have shifted ... and I can't help but think it is because timing has shifted, as well. That is the one constant we have, isn't it? That's what makes it so important, I guess. Work will always be there. Music is a kind mistress to which one can always return. But these other things ... these time dependent chances and hopes of mine ... they get to me. Engulf me. Drive me.

I have ever been an opportunist; I should like to think in the positive sense. I will jump to tackle something early so as to secure it. In academics and professional endeavors, this policy for action has always served me well. Now, as time marches on, it seems I watch as opportunities drift at the same speed. What is most painful is that I find myself powerless to act. To be told that what you want is not available, not yet ... that what you want lies just out of your grasp ... I'm not sure there is a worse condemnation for those who are as goal-oriented as I am. Those who would lay down everything they have for what they want ... to be told that everything they have is not enough, because that is not what is required? The only thing required is ... time? Something which I have ever been loathe to give? Which tortures me when I see it passing by and I do nothing?

It's the same reason I hate traveling sometimes. Confined to a vehicle, to sit still as the world moves by ... torture. Sacrifice.

I suppose it's time I learn patience. If only I did not find myself so ill-suited to the task. I'm one to rely on my resources, my faculties, my experience, and immediately turn what I would like to my desires. Again, in work this breeds success. With people- friendships, relationships, love?- there is so much more to it. Simple ability and desire are not enough. Timing ... it counts as much if not more.

The whole thing is frustrating, grueling, damn excruciating. It's a skill I was never forced to develop as time went on.

So for now ... I wait. I wait, and I hope. That's the worst part of this waiting, this sacrifice for time, I think. Something you can ensure and guarantee now, today, this hour- is there risk in that? If there is, it's minimal. You get back what you put in almost immediately. When you're forced to wait ... you have to invest yourself and hope for the return. The risk is exponentially, infinitely higher than it would be in the tangible planes of toil and exertion.

I know the importance of timing. Absolutely, I do. I also know the importance of patience, and the greater value something can have when one is forced to wait for it to happen.

So for now ... I bide my time. I do my work. I continue fulfilling the Faustian bargain to which I've signed my name. I plan for the tangible, definite sides of my future. Aside from that?

I wait. I burn.

I hope.