2006 in Review II

My original plan to finish this entry had been to compose a short summary of what's happened this year in my personal life ... the up's and down's of my friendships, relationships, and other social connections. At the time I had been feeling pretty bad about it, honestly, but now with a cooler head and a bit more rational thought, I'd like to think that the choices I made in 2006 were mixed overall.

Some of them were for the better. Beginning to drink, making an effort to get out and see people more, putting social contacts ahead of work occasionally ... those were all great decisions. Looking back now, my biggest regret of this particular semester was that I didn't see some friends as much as I would have liked to. Really, though, there's only so much time in the day. Between the old friends I've kept, the new ones I've made, and everyone else in between, it's obvious that Lehigh has become my home, just as Cherokee was four years ago. The sense of reassurance to be found in this sort of cyclic familiarity is very comforting. It leads me to believe that no matter where I go or what I do, I will eventually find people there to rely on, to have good times with, and to trust as my friends.

So that was the good ... excellent friends to rely on and to have rely on me. The other things I've done this year- well, who's to say?

The biggest change was the end of my last serious relationship. As is the case with the ending of any very long relationship, I seem to oscillate in my feelings on a day-to-day, or sometimes hour-to-hour, basis (if my mind is insufficiently occupied). Some days I will be absolutely confident that the choice I made was the right one ... that we weren't really going where we'd hoped. That I and my feelings had changed over time, and that to stay wasn't fair to her or myself. Those days are probably the easiest to deal with, especially considering that she seems to have moved on recently. My only hope is that, given the wonderful person she is, she finds the immense happiness she deserves. The happiness I think I used to give her.

On other days, my feelings aren't so easy to deal with. To put it bluntly, I often wonder if I might have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I wonder if my inability to stick it out might have been the result of immaturity and selfishness rather than truly changed feelings. I wonder if we might have been together happily for a much longer time, if I hadn't decided to leave. I wonder if maybe that relationship, the sacrifices in it, the years we spent together, might have been the best love has to offer. And if they were ... then what have I done? What have I, disillusioned and egocentric, turned my back to?

For better or worse, though, that relationship is done. And like I said before, my one wish is that she'll find the happiness she deserves. She has so much love to give, and hopefully she'll find someone who can receive and return it in full. I could not. So all that's left to do is take what I learned from it, what I gained, and what I lost ... and move forward.

On a related note, in a recent conversation with a good friend, I asked her what I could actually offer to someone in a new relationship. Between the various commitments I've taken upon myself for the coming semester, could I offer the time, energy, and feelings someone would need to be satisfied? I guess the answer to that comes in the form of a quote I recently heard and completely believe in:

"There's no such thing as not enough time. If you want to do something, you'll find time."

Anyway, here's to 2007. The only definite plans include summer work at Air Products and two more semesters at Lehigh. Everything else, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Happy New Year, everybody.