By the Stars in the Sky

I'm sitting in class right now learning about metal deformation. As this lecture has gone on, I haven't been able to think about anything but how little I want to be in this lecture. It's astounding what a pittance of interest I have in anything being discussed or its application to my future career. Should I know about metal forging? Yeah, I'm about to be a real engineer. I should probably know something about the characteristics and issues inherent to metal forging, however boring they may be.

The thing is, I just don't want to. I just don't care. If my job someday is to determine how to optimize a metal forging process and stare at this all day, I might just freak out. Strike that- I will freak out.

Some aspects of engineering intrigue me, I guess. The transformation of energy from chemical bonds in coal to moving electrons in wire is fascinating. The way the body works astounds me every time I talk to a biology major (assuming the body does represent an engineering problem). The majority of it, though ... process engineering, manufacturing, design ... they're just so bland. So vanilla. So utterly pallid and unexciting in every respect.

Part of me thinks I should just man up and take advantage of the opportunities I've earned. The grass is always greener, right? Maybe if I were a finance major I'd wish I'd pursued engineering. Maybe I'd be lamenting my immediate future running wealth management and spreadsheets for the next few years. People work to live ... work isn't supposed to be fun. So few people really enjoy their jobs, they just DO their jobs. The job I have waiting for me pays well at a good company and offers me a stable jump-off point into my future. Is disinterest really enough for me to justify not wanting to be there?

The other part of me, though, says that there's too much time left in my life to settle now. In reality, I could quit this graduate program immediately, take the money I have, and head out anywhere in the world. I could be in New Zealand in three days, searching for some shitty job and a cheap place to live for a while. I'd meet new people and experience a new land. Who knows where I'd end up from there?

Am I just resisting the inexorable pull of the real world? The grind and endless tedium that everyone promises in the world of white collar work? Do I tremble at this point, on the very edge of the next part of my life, struggling atop a precipice upon which I cannot balance for much longer?

Everyone else seems so cool, calm, and collected about the future. Sometimes I wonder if you all look out upon the next time of your life and want to scream as loudly and desperately as I do. Am I (as usual) overthinking the whole of my prospects? It's natural to resist change. It's natural to doubt some choices you make for fear of their inherent opportunity cost. The cost of what you do includes the value of what you don't do. I'm probably just overthinking all of this, should relax and go with the flow.

Back to this lecture for now ... but Lord almighty, this shit is boring.

"Learning is painful. You can't learn unless you experience pain. If you remain entirely comfortable during the learning process, you haven't gained anything at all."
-Professor Stephen Snyder

Damn right when it comes to metal forging. Ugh.

Happy Jueves.